Ridiculously...

It is the end of another year- and I am in awe of the amazing things God has done for me. I have completed my course with A's, I'm blessed beyond measure in my relationship, and got one very big surprise the other day. I want to spill all the beans but can't for another few weeks.

Today my readers- I am RIDICULOUSLY blessed!

Until the next time keep Job 8:21 in your heart & Spirit.

The Diarist

Today

 How do I get back there?

Today I stand here feeling unsure of where I am

Even when I tried to run away you found me.

Kept calling my name

I knew too much of what joy

Could be found in You to ever truly leave,

Here I stand- I want to move on with you 

But I am a broken vessel, 

I am dirty, I need to be cleansed.

I keep forgetting that with you there are no 'buts'

I don't know how You will turn my mess into Your glory

Why You would bless me with new life

Why would You be good to me who has not loved You properly?

Why today?

This morning all I am feeding my spirit is wonderful Christian music and it has made me think of the state that my own walk with Christ is at. There are a LOT of changes going on in my life- and this weekend was hard as it made two months since my cousin Joanna died. In every cloud in my life there has been a silver lining. Whenever I lost someone God would open the door for new connections. Today I thank Him for new connections and the blessings found in old ones.


Today there is so much I want to say- but so much that I cannot say, so I will prudently leave it here. Until the next time keep Jeremiah 29:11 in your heart & spirit.

The Diarist
For every moment is meant to be taken in and reflected on.

Nights

For the next few weeks night shifts are happening for my PCT course and as time goes by I realize that I miss the time I would spend with my fiancé. It is a hard fight to sit up each night and head into my internship. Especially nights like tonight when we only spent 30 minutes together due to his classes.

Until life is better and I don't have to work as hard we will have to get use to it I guess. I'm going to stay positive so that I don't get discouraged.

Be blessed and keep II Timothy 1:7 in your heart & Spirit.

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.

Excitement

My excitement cannot be contained as I pull out my uniforms, shine my shoes, and figure out how I will wear my hair. Today is my last free Sunday for about 4 weeks. Tomorrow night I start my internship as a Patient Care Technician. I'm nervous because I don't want to mess up, but excited that this is the final hurdle for this step in my life's plan.

For me, this next month will be hard as many nights I won't be able to sleep or I will be running on two hours worth of sleep. But I will get through it and celebrate with a well deserved trip to a wonderful destination sometime next year. I'm very blessed today- no matter what people may say or try & tell me.

Just stopping by to catch up. Until next time Matthew 5 for you!

The Diarist,
Every moment is meant to be taken in and reflected on.

Tre Chic...

I got my sister to work some sewing magic & now I have a wonderful style that matches so well with my natural hair that you can't really tell its not mine. lol. This is my protective style for this month and I am so excited about it.

Just takes a little thing to become inspired again. I'm also so excited about getting my hair colored when it come out. What color do you think I should color it? I'm thinking a pretty spicy like amber/red.

Until next time be blessed & stay inspired! Keep James 1:4 in your heart and Spirit.

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in and reflected on.

Uninspired

As of late I have been kind of uninspired with my hair. It has gotten to that really funny phase- the medium yet still short length. It is too long for older styles but too short to do what I want to do.

What should I do? I sat down and I'm trying out a twist out hair style and I pray it comes out as nice as I want it to. It has been almost a year post bc & I have learned a lot about my hair. I truly love my hair but sometimes I miss it being straight. It is because of this that I am also contemplating a Brazilian blowout- hopefully it acts just the way it should.

Well people- I gotta run, until next time I pray you keep Habakkuk 2:2-4 in your heart & spirit. Write your vision & live righteously.

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in and reflected on.

Rainbow...

It has been just about two weeks since I took the above photo. I was in my backyard chatting with my cousin Joanna about life & we saw the rainbow. I went crazy as usual because anytime I see a rainbow I think of how God's Promises are real and eternal.

For the past few days I've been depressed as my cousin Joanna passed away on Monday. I've been yo-yoing through the phases of grief since she passed. Its hard as I took her to be like a sister and her death was not really expected. I find myself crying at the least expected times.

The only way I have been able to forget has been to immerse myself in work & school. Walking around my house has been hard as I keep finding things she left here. Even the photo of the rainbow has made me cry at times knowing she was with me that day. How do you get past the death of someone you held near to you?

When my uncle passed it took about three months for me to not cry at the thought of his death. With Joanna I think it maybe a little while longer. But I know that God promises to wipe away every tear from my eyes someday, that He keeps a bottle for my tears, that He will strengthen and encourage me.

As I leave today- I ask that you pray for & with me as I go through this phase. Remember that He alone knows the plans He has for us- it promises to be filled with hope. I'm looking at each rainbow with hope. Keep Psalm 32:8 in your heart & Spirit.

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in and reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Good

"For I know the plans I have for Natasha," says the Lord. "They are plans for GOOD and not for disaster, to give her a future and a Hope."

*I have this hope that burns within my heart...*

One by one He is truly answering my prayers! He is giving me a Hope and good things. When you are truly walking in favor- good things happen because God wants to give you great things!

Feeling so ridiculously blessed that I am crying.

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in and reflected on.


Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Promises...

At this moment I am so scared. Just something I go through every so often. Where my fears & doubts assail me to a point where all I want to do is cry & curl up into a protective shell. What do I do when I'm like this?

I pray & plead God's promises back to Him. His word will not return to Him void & His word is higher than His name. God is the only one to Trust in times like this.

As I leave remember to keep Jeremiah 29:11-14 in your heart & spirit. Its a wonderful promise for us to keep with us daily.

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Path...

"Stop looking back the path you've already walked. Look forward and stay positive, the future is much more exciting!" @ihatequotes

I started my course as a Patient Care Technician Course today. I am so excited at the knowledge I have received so far. In a few short months I will be one step closer to where I need to be.

Just stopping in to praise God & share with you how happy I am.

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Wish...

Saturday was my cousin's wedding & it was amazing! I am so happy that today I can say that she is Mrs. Yolna Louissaint. Her husband truly spoils her & shows her that he loves her. She deserves every happiness!

I thoroughly enjoyed the wedding & cannot wait for some nieces & nephews! To the newlyweds I wish a long & blessed life together! Keep Ephesians 5:21-33 in your heart & spirit.

The Diarist
For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Peace

He'll give me PEACE in the midst of the storm! I'm holding onto the promises of one who never fails me! Philippians 4:7-8 admonishes me not to be anxious and as the winds howl outside I'm in bed under my blanket very comfortable. Even as the wind makes me want to cry like a baby I know He is there beside me.

Just wanted to check in with you before my EDGE connection went out on my phone. Keep praying for us here in the Bahamas as Hurricane Irene batters us.

The Diarist
For each moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.

P. S. Short prayer follows below.

Daddy,

I your daughter come before you humbly praying that you will be with my family, friends, & I as we ride out this storm is separate abodes. Daddy please ensure that Your will is done in our lives & that we are protected.

As I come before You I ask You for forgiveness of sin and ask that You in turn help me to forgive others so that I don't end up bitter and lacking of joy! I ask that You would take a coal from your altar and place it upon my unclean lips, my hands, my head my entire body- purify me within & without so that there is nothing between us Daddy!

Daddy, I praise You for being my protector, my sustainer, my father, my Saviour & friend. You alone are worthy of my praise & glory because only You satisfy. You alone have been beside me through it all- even when I thought I was alone. You are the Holy one. There is none like You!

Daddy I thank you for each person you have placed into my life for they have taught me things about myself. I thank You Daddy for always being here for me! I love You so much & know that whatever happens is ordained by You! Thank You Daddy for hearing & answering my prayer in Your son Jesus' mighty & precious name I pray!

Amen
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Wonderfully

Say good about yourself and you'll be called arrogant; say bad about yourself and you'll be believed. - Anonymous

I love the above quote and as I am busy getting my hair braided in hip length braids I wanted to stop in & encourage you to be true to you! You alone know who YOU are- only you can be you! I love when people call me arrogant, a b!+?#, or whatever else because I think highly of myself. All I know is that I am amazing & God made me that way!

Be blessed & remember that God made you special & He loves you very much! Keep Psalm 139:14 in your heart & spirit!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

IMU

Day one of our time apart and I miss you! We will get through this absence stronger & wiser- more in love with each other than ever.

I love you & you love me- distance, seas, lands nor oceans can keep us apart... You my darling are my first love- you have my heart!

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Lover...

Music playing in the background as I think of my lover, my husband, the one true love of my life. Today was an amazing day in Him- we started out together and ended together. Even when I was upset/hurt He was there. He was amazing!
Song: Dance With Me
By: Paul Wilbur
Dance with me
O lover of my soul
To the song of all songs
Romance me
O lover of my soul
To the song of all songs
Behold You have come
Over the hills
Upon the mountains
To me You have run
My beloved
You've captured my heart
With You I will go
You are my love
You are my fair one
Winter is past
And the springtime has come
Dance with me
Dance with me
O lover of my soul
To the song of all songs
Romance me
O Lover of my soul
To the song of all songs

I feel like singing, dancing & crying out to God as I did one time ago. The music is inside me, His love & Word is inside me like a fire shut up in my bones. I remember for years I was a wallflower watching from the sidelines as other Daughters of the King danced with Him. I never felt good enough to sing or dance for Him- I now do. I now know that it isn't about me and my worth or talent- but about my availability.
For the next three weeks I am focusing on finding the joy & true love I had with the Lover of my Soul. It is one of the things on my list and I know the music will aid in achieving this goal. Music just does something for me- I get so lost in it & I get taken away many times. I'm going to ingest as much gospel music as possible so that I can be romanced through the words in the songs as I am with the words in the Bible.
Last night I twirled around my cousin's home excitedly as we sang to this beautiful Praise song. Tonight I lay in bed recalling moments when I danced with Him like this. I remember when I would pray for Him to show me His love & His glory, He would in turn send me beautiful sunrises because He knew I loved them. One morning I was so depressed & asked Him to buoy my Spirits up- He sent an elderly gentleman with a Yellow rose. For a while I had slowed down on the severity of our relationship, but I no longer will hide it- I love Him too much to hide it.
I want to challenge you to challenge your relationship with Him. Instead of a hit & run prayer spend time with Him. Start with 15 minutes and you'll be surprised how easy it would be to stay with Him longer. Our Lover wants to romance us, dance with us & make us feel His love. Take the challenge & get to know Him better!
As I leave happily praising, praying & thanking Him for His love- I pray that you keep Psalm 34:1-8 in your Heart & Spirit!
The Dancing (No longer a Wallflower) Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Storyteller

I got such exciting news- I got casted as a storyteller in the play 'Dis We Tings' in October. My first role in a major play and I am going to tell a Caribbean Folktale that I remember my mom told me as a child.

Wish me luck as I practice my singing & my story telling. Hopefully you can catch my play in the fall. Be blessed!

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Words...

STOP!

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say to me (or about me) can & will be used for or against you in or on my blog. If you are a hater it will continue to be inside of you because my beauty is something you will never understand. I will not stop succeeding because I'm happy and God has truly blessed me. So get back & be quiet!

The above may become my new disclaimer when dealing with some persons who have let this very small blogger stomp on a few of their corns. (I wonder what will happen when I publish my memoirs?) Its funny how someone who doesn't come from a 'regular' family has such a way with words. In fact for someone very ordinary I seem to have a way of stirring up the nest.

*These words are my own> from my heart...* Natasha Bedingfield

I realized as of late that if no one else would be true to me & my words it would have to be me. Unless otherwise stated I- Natasha Rufin pledge to speak/write words I can & will stand behind. Too often people expect you to defer your opinion to someone older as a sign of respect. That is not respect- that is platitude. I will not placate anyone by being seen & not heard.

I also realized that people can read what you write and it goes completely over them. They take things you may wonder about to be actual beliefs, they read to find a hole so they can break your walls down- while never answering the questions that you pose. But why didn't I remember that Christ said that this would happen?

I often 'wonder' (again here I go with my perusals) to myself:
- Why do some persons think that to be respectful is to not question their authority? God allows us to reason with Him (Isaiah 1:18); and many persons in the Bible have questioned Him or asked for a sign.
- Do they know me? Which the answer is always no. They don't know me, they only see photos, see blog posts and hear about the things I've gone through. They don't know what has and will continue to make me tick.
- Am I respected? This I'm not sure of but then again does it matter if I am? Are the persons who disrespected me going to be played closely in my life? Have I allowed such persons to play closely in my life before?

In high school (and school in general) I was extremely shy about making new friends. The only place I tried not to be shy in school was in the classroom & especially in my option classes where I was the only girl (the smurfette so to speak). This equated to the girls in my homeroom that I was stuck-up & snobby. I didn't get it because I was always so helpful with them, I tried to talk when I could- but mostly I think it was my standards & refusal to do what they wanted me to do (and what they did) that made me a snob.

I feel like it is the same today as it was in high school. I am not going to change who I am to make another person/persons happy. I'm not going to call off my engagement, I'm not going to leave my faith or church, I am not going to sit quietly as I am called hurtful things, & I'm not going to stop writing about what I go through. I know now why I am the Natasha that I am as I did then. It was not to make others happy in my defeat- but God happy in my victories!

As I leave you today I hope that you are blessed! Keep Matthew 10:16-42, 21:42 & II Timothy 3:16&17 in your heart & Spirit as you meditate! Have a wonderful Sabbath!

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Engaged!!!

One of my best friends announced the other day that she is engaged and I am so excited for her. I am happy for this new phase of her life. Being engaged is crazy but I wouldn't trade it for nothing. I love knowing that my man loves me enough that he wants to be committed to me (no matter how crazy, neurotic and peppy I am). Both our fiancés feel like we are good things. (Proverbs 18:22)
Don't get me wrong- being engaged is NO piece of cake. We have had to change our wedding date due to internal & external factors, one family is 'interesting' (to say the least) as it relates to our relationship, we are both currently unemployed & about to go back to school, but I know we will be married. I have faith in us- if I hadn't I wouldn't have said yes.
Engagement puts many thoughts in the minds of those in and around your life, no matter who you are there is excitement, fear, envy and even sadness at the thought forgetting that for everything there is a time for everything under the sun (Ecclesiastes 3:1). The planning of a wedding has been 'thought' to be the happiest moment of life for a woman- but it isn't always. For me I was happier @ times planning my birthday celebrations.
I have been helping my cousin with her wedding (designing invitations, programs and other items) and I have seen bridesmaids drop out (me being one of them), fights with future in-laws & with the future spouse. It is not for the faint hearted- I feel like honestly, getting eloped is quieter, cheaper & less nerve wrecking.
As a future bride I have had my say yes to the dress moment (trying on dream gowns with my aunts), I've budgeted to the 't' what I wanted but honestly the wedding isn't the biggest day of our lives. Working on us as a couple & individually in marriage will be much more important. I feel like if people spent as much time planning for the actually marriage (with counseling, research & prayer) as much as they did for the wedding day they would be less likely to spend an insane amount keeping up with the Jones' wedding day and not lasting five years.
Engagement isn't something that should be entered in lightly as marriage is one of the things Adam & Eve got to bring out of the Garden of Eden. Not everyone will get married & stay married (even as I may want them to.) So as my bestie celebrates & I celebrate with her I hope that you are encouraged and keep us in your prayers. Keep Ecclesiastes 3:11 & I Corinthians 13 in your heart & spirit!
The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Waste...

I went swimming today with my fiancé, I had an amazing time practicing my freestyle & breaststrokes. I never got a chance to learn as a child (even though both my parents are extremely strong swimmers) so he is building on the foundation laid by my Pathfinder beginners swimming honor. As I swam today it is one of things I wanted to learn/ re-learn.

I wrote out a list last month with the help of Will of things I wanted to learn or get better at. I gave myself a year to work on it so that on my next birthday I could see how much I grew. Because William wanted to keep up with me he will also be doing a lot of the things alongside myself.

I know that I could have easily said that I was too old to learn how to swim but I'm trying anyhow. For me it is never too late to do anything. We are given one life to live & I want to open myself to new experiences (within limits) and find out what makes me truly tick in the process.

I find that as you learn new things you will see yourself grow & become wiser. I want to gain wisdom & knowledge daily, for me to accomplish that I need to open myself to computers (Linux, Mac & Windows), swimming, acting and other areas of interest.

With the thought of learning all of these new things I wonder at times if God is pleased. I read Matthew 25:14-30 where Christ spoke about the parable of the talents. The master gave each servant various talents- just like Christ has given us. Each servant used their talents differently- I want to use my talents like the wise servants, creating an increase for my Heavenly Father. The only way to create an increase is to try new things.

A lot of times we box ourselves in & don't allow ourselves to blossom & grow as individuals. The mind is a terrible thing to waste & not learning something new daily is a waste. Search for wisdom & knowledge daily in the new things you try. I find that everything around us has a lesson about ourselves, our motives, our personal relationships with God. With this in mind I want to try new things to seek new things within myself. How do I know what I can do if I don't try?

Tonight as I head to bed I admonish you not to waste your brain with excuses- learn something new/ try something new. Don't let your mind & talents go to waste. You maybe surprised at how much you grow!

Until next time please keep Proverbs 2:3-6; & Matthew 7:7-8.

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.

P.S. Someday soon I will share my list with you & monthly I will try to explain & give an update on how it is all going.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Blue...

As he listened to the music of Senses Fail he was inspired to let the words below flow. Mr. William Dean is an amazing young man, a very sweet, talented & true gentleman. He loves God, music, swimming, drawing & being with the persons he loves playing games/talking. It is with great pleasure that my first guest author is none other than my fiance- Will!

Girl in Blue Dress...
By:
William Dean

I sit on this park bench watching.
watching her dance in her pale blue dress.
dancing barefoot to the song of her mind.
her cigarette leaving a thin smoke trail in air.
adding an ethereal effect to her performance.
it's three in he morning.
our respective cells vibrating nigh uncontrollably with calls from our folks.
i don't care.
the only thing that matters is your enticing dance.
the world could end right now, but
i wouldn't care.
Your dance is all that matters.

i at times wonder why you have such a need to dance.
i asked you why.
Why such a need to dance with the
cool and windy nights as your backdrop?
why dance until you collapse?
you looked at me and replied with tears slowly cascading down; "because it eases the pain of my heart.
it hurts so much and i don't why."
you then collapsed in my arms and cried yourself to sleep.

from that day on, i let you dance. dance to ease the mysterious pain. each dance never same except the ending.
each dance ends with a faint smile on your face.
it's now 4.
i see you finally gently collapse on the damp park grass.
i put out your fallen cigarette, knelt down, and then brushed the hair slowly from face to see your smile.
it brings joy to my heart.
this ritual that you have created that eases the pain of your heart.
i then pick you up bridal style to make a our trek home.
We shall be back here soon...


June 27th, 2011
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Excited

I'm so excited about how great my twist-hawk came out today. My hair is growing like a weed! In about a year I hope to be below bra strap length and very healthy.

I felt really pretty today with my hairstyle. Tomorrow I am wearing it in a similar style because I am going on air live discussing my life as a child of Haitian parents in this country. I don't know fully what I will discuss but I am also excited about that.

Today was an amazing day! YAY! Keep 2 Corinthians 10 in your heart & Spirit!

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.


Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Citizenship

Yesterday was a great day for my family. Another family member received her Bahamian Citizenship after years of being turned around. With this she can now do the things she wants to do with her life.

This new phase made me think of how many take things like this for granted the same way they take the Heavenly Citizenship for granted. Unlike this world where you are just given the citizenship of your parents, in God's home for us He has no grandchildren.

Your parents' measure of Spiritual outpouring is not transferable to you. (There is no respect of persons with God.- Romans 2:11) You have to do like my cousin did for her earthly citizenship apply for it at an age of understanding. The good thing is that you won't have to spend money or fill any forms out. All you have to do is ask our Heavenly Father and you receive it.

After you receive His free gift of eternal citizenship you will learn that like every country you are a citizen of there are things you need to do & don't do to be a good citizen. I hope you have a Blessed Sabbath & that you Grow in His love & grace! Keep Matthew 25:31-46

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Amazing...

I got an amazing compliment today whilst talking to my adopted aunts. They told me that I astounded them by the depth of knowledge & passion I had for areas that even they didn't have. They made me feel like I was intelligent, like I was talented, that I was an amazing person.

My adopted aunts Marie & Michelle made me feel like I was accepted for who I was & what made me Natasha. I am encouraged after that to share how many good things there are in my life. The more I think happy thoughts- the less stressed I will be.

Be blessed & keep Psalm 42 in your heart & Spirit!

The Diarist
All moments are meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Dancing...

Dancing
By:
Natasha Rufin


I want to dance
Like I've never danced
I want to twirl like a beautiful gazelle
I want to leap like the jaguars on the plains
I want to preen like a flamingo
I want to open my heart to the music
Let out the hurt
Release it from every atom
Every aspect of my being
Until I am free
I am dancing...
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Email

She lay in her bed as her body raged a war within itself over whether it was time to sleep. She needed just a few more moments to post this entry & that is what she did- through her blackberry & email posting she was able to write these few lines. What do u think?

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Tow...

"I see you had your tow behind you on Monday."
"Isn't it a good thing you had put off getting married?"
"You spend too much time with her- you need to spend more time at home."
"You have only experienced chocolate cake so far, you need to try out other flavors & types before you settle down and get married."

These are all statements made by my 'future' in-laws. My fiance is going through some stuff right now- & in typical fashion his family had a lot to say about what he should do with his life & our relationship. Honestly, at times all I want is to run away to another country meet someone (hopefully an orphan), and start from scratch. I feel like the words and the mean voices of his family make me doubt who I am. If I listened to them I would be a gold-digging user who was out to trap him into marriage.

I dislike that he was told to try other flavors. That is redundant- if I go to an ice cream parlour and find that vanilla is my favorite flavor- why must I continue to try other flavors? Ten flavors from now I will still want vanilla- if I find what I want earlier than someone else why should I suffer & possibly miss out on what I really want?

I am not who they say I am. I am not gold-digging (if I was I would be so far from here married to the doctor who had wanted to marry me), I am not a user, I have never been anyone's 'tow'. At times when I think of the words they say about me I get depressed- other times very angry. I have never cheated on him, I don't cause any trouble, I don't sass/back talk, but I am sure if I had back talked they would leave me & my name alone.

Some days I wonder if it would get better after our wedding? Will they finally accept me? Or have their words shown me that they have yet to accept me? Is it all worth it? Will I have to deal with this for the rest of my life? What would these people say to my children (if I even have children into this madness)?

I also wonder if their words don't stem from the issue that they are (even though they would disagree) xenophobic & my Haitian culture is an insult to them/makes them uncomfortable? I wonder if they feel like I am only with William so that I can get 'acceptability' in this messed up country I live in. I don't care about being accepted by Bahamians (the true-true ones) anymore. All I want with my fiance is his love & support- which I receive already. We love being with each other & we are neither persons 'tow'/burden.

I just needed to vent today so I am rambling- I don't even know how to find a scripture text for all of this. But until next time be blessed & pray for me!

The Diarist

For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon...

Growth...

My hair is  growing- yay!!! I am so happy and I can see it daily. Just letting you see the length because my fro doesn't show nothing. Look at my hand- it is like almost three shades lighter than my face- does anyone know how I can fix this- outside of moving to another country? Anyway be blessed blog readers!

Happy Sabbath!

Frizz...

The above puff is my fluffy hair- which was supposed to be a knot out but the humidity just made my hair into a cloud. Like I don't even know what to do anymore with it. The humidity here in the Bahamas takes my hairstyles and makes it frizzy- no matter which conditioner or hair product I have used. A friend who lives in Florida gave me some ideas and now I hope I can get everything on the list.

Hopefully within a month it will be much better & less frizzy. Someday soon I will give you my hair regimen (once I sort it all out & get my hair under submission.) So that is it for my hair check in (seven + months post BC) and I hope you all stay safe!

The Diarist

Fit...

Just like a shoe, if someone is meant for you, they will fit perfectly; no forcing, no struggling, no pain...

Is this one a perfect fit?

Eighteen...

At eighteen she graduates high school with honors & attends her first prom- this blog is to the beautiful girl who captivated my heart when our parents married & we became sisters. I love you Shellie! You continue to make me proud!

Advice...

You ever notice that everyone has ideas on how you should do everything- even the persons you are not that close to? Someone told me they thought I should either lock my hair if I wanted to stay natural or perm it straight because they didn't like the way I looked with my hair in a puff. To that idea all I could say was no. I refuse to wear my hair the way others want me to wear it. I take others ideas into consideration (like my parents who control how often I have access to my sisters, William and a very few close friends), but for the most part it comes down to my happiness.

Everyone has there two cents on how you should go about being you- you at times have advice for them. How do we sort through the riff-raff to find truth and beauty inside these nuggets/morsels of advice? We do this by turning to God in prayer not in some things (as I make the mistake of doing), but in ALL things. He in turn turns our dying to ourselves into something truly beautiful.

SO next time someone says something to you that you disagree with or see no merit to pray on it & let God show you the way in which you should walk. He knows the way better than anyone else does.

Until next time keep Philippians 1:6 in your heart and spirt.

The Diarist
For every moment of our lives is to be taken in and reflected on.

Falling...

An old man once said, “There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.”

~Repost if you agree.

Family...

I sat down yesterday and talked to my mom about my family history. I learned about the Spanish, the Creole, the mulattoes and the negroes. To think I could go back and have this diverse family tree was fun, mostly because living here in the Bahamas I feel like being Creole is seen as something not lovely but ugly, dirty, smelly- in essence repulsive.

My maternal grandmother- Marguerite was the daughter of a very rich Haitian woman (whose mother was mulatto. My great-great grandmother was originally from France.) She had two siblings, a sister who went on to become a nun in Canada and a brother who was a general in the army (before it was corrupt.) My granduncle and aunt donated over fifty acres to the Catholic Church in Haiti & the township that they were from. My grandmother has six children alive and through five of those kids there are thirty-two grandchildren.

She passed away when I was five or six. I never met my grandmother because she lived in Haiti & we lived here in the Bahamas. Through her kids I have heard through stories that she was amazingly warm and wonderful. Her kids remember her fondly. She left them a legacy that cannot be matched many other places. She left for them approximately one hundred and sixty acres for her children and grandchildren. To be related to an Omer means that you are someone in the land of my ancestors- to be related here does not mean much of anything. In Bourne, Haiti I am family to a rich and vast history.

My paternal grandfather was Haitian-Cuban. His mother was a mulatto Haitian lady (who my mom called her Gran Lili) and then his father was from Cuba. Through this merge came children who were world savvy. My grandfather grew up traveling between Haiti, Cuba, the Bahamas and Florida. Growing up with the ability to do this he made the choice to became a merchant as an adult. And just like many merchants of that day he had a lot of children by many different women. My mom estimates that her father had about thirty children, inclusive of the three he had with her mother. Their family makes up another huge family name in Bourne, Haiti.

Learning this goes a long way to make me feel better as a young Haitian-Bahamian woman. What I find interesting is that many times we allow our family histories or how society views us to give us our self-worth. When ultimately we have been given the best family history through Christ’s death upon the cross. When He died and rose again we were reborn into His family at our acceptance of His love and gift. Even as I allow the new information I received lift my spirits up I know that only what is done & gained through Christ will last.

I look at my family history and know that when I stand before God nobody else’s works will get me into heaven- God has no grandchildren. I come from a line of courageous and wonderful people but ultimately it boils down to me. Who I am in Christ’s love, and how I live my life for Him.

In the end remember that no matter how big or small your legacy looks in the eyes of humans God loves and cares for you. No matter what! He has plans for us & He wants to give us a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:10-14). Keep Romans 5:8-10 in your heart and Spirit!

The Diarist

For every moment of our lives is to be taken in and reflected on.

Insanity

This coming Sunday, I will begin the exercise dvd's for the Insanity Workout. YAY!!! I am SUPER excited because I plan on eating like the plan tells me while also keeping track using a food journal on my computer. I am so excited! The plan is to use this week to prep myself- going walking, running, and doing other exercises to get my body into some semblance of shape. If I follow all that I have planned I should start loosing between 3-7 lbs per week.

As I was looking through my photos I realized that two years ago I saw myself as fat when really I was a nice and healthy weight. I want to be healthy again. I am so excited that this time changing my diet will cost me nothing but time and honesty with myself. So say goodbye for real to the fluffy Natasha & I hope that 3 months from now I would have lost 20- 40 lbs & in 6 months lost an additional 20. At that point I will begin the harder process of keeping it off.

No more yo-yo dieting- just pure healthy stuff! Keep 3 John 1:2 in your heart & spirit: "Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth."

The Diarist...
For every moment was meant to be taken in and reflected on.

Highway...

It seems that in life most people have the idea that it is their way or the highway- when it isn't. It is ultimately about God's way. I am sitting here worrying (which then turns to fear) about my future and how I want it to play out in a manner that others will be proud of. I have to finish training at the right time, have the right job, marry at the right time with all the right blessings, have kids at the right time 3-5 years after getting married. But it is not about what others want- it is about what God wants.

I recently found out that a friend is expecting a child and I am so excited for her but I know that many around me would say that she is not being wise or using her twenties wisely. Why is she not I wonder? Why is it that to be seen as a modern woman I am told to buy into the lie that wanting kids before thirties is wrong? That I have to save the world before I can be a wife or mother? Like how is the life she is living hurting anyone? She has one of the greatest jobs in the world- being a mother to children that God blessed her with.

Today I went to my younger sister's graduation where a lot of the mothers were about my age or just a few years older which kinda threw me for a second. Like whilst I was babysitting my sister in high school they were having kids. It kinda made me wonder how old the mothers will be when I have kids. I am twenty-five and in under a month will be twenty-six with no kids on the horizon for a little while longer. I noticed that though there were young mothers the kids were excelling. Who is to say that their kids would not end up being proteges of some sort?

Who tells us what we are to do with our lives? Why do we feel like we should live up to what they have told us? At times the urge to have a child is really strong but I feel like the timing isn't right in God's eyes- no matter how much I may want it. Is it wrong to want one? No! For me what is wrong is when others dictate when it is right for me to have/not have one.

Me & my then 1 yr old god-daughter (she has helped me to quiet my yearnings)

I absolutely adore children and I have always known that someday I am to have my own. In the end it is just another ramble because I am tired of being TOLD when it will be okay. Only God knows when that day will be- and when it is okay to have kids no ones opinions will matter but me & my husband. So if it is today, tomorrow or ten years from now only God knows and can tell me what to do. So guess what- I will take that highway... Thank you but no thanks!

 

I just can't get why people could not love these sweeties... to each his own!

Keep Matthew 7: 13- 14 in your spirit as you remember that it is God's way or no way!
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” 

The Diarist
For each moment was meant to be taken in and reflected upon...

Others...

Even alone- I have smiled & will continue to smile (Diarist- circa 2009)

A few weeks ago I insinuated that I was going through something I couldn't talk about yet and honestly I couldn't. At this moment I still cannot really & fully talk about it.

Today I got up like I have done everyday for the last few weeks. I cleaned my room, washed clothes, cleaned the house & job hunted. It is a regular day. Yet about five weeks ago my day would have been filled talking with my cousins & sister.

What started out as a Saturday afternoon drive became an all out war. One of my cousins and a sister are also engaged so it has been a lot of craziness planning the weddings. With there being three brides within six months of each other there are also bridezillas. My fiance has been around when I have gotten hurt by others wanting me to marry more in the styles that they want. It came to a head when one bride was telling another bride that she was doing things wrong in the car.

My fiance butted in & told her that she was not perfect and her wedding day would not be perfect so everyone was entitled to their own wedding styles. This opened the floodgates for World War III in my family. Guess who got caught in the middle? Yup- I did.

My fiance apologized for his tone but my cousin did not accept it- neither did my sister. From here it became a them verses us for them. They told me that no matter who married into the family they didn't need to know what was happening in the family (which I thought was stupid), and that my husband and I were to be a family but I was to come and be with my family (them) alone. Because their fiances were nonexistent in the family mine should be also.

There seemed to be a problem with the fact that my fiance was not from the same background as all of us & their fiances were. I feel like the heart of the problem was that he wasn't one of 'us' to them- something I feel at times with his family. What hurts is that I expected so much more from them. My family made me feel like they thought I was still with him because I was a social climber. Which I am not- I just have standards that is not like theirs.

I think back to the list I had as an eighteen year old about the qualities I wanted in my future husband- the biggest one for me (outside of loving God) was that he became a part of my family and our pains. My William is like that- & I try to be there for him in the way he is for me (that is not always so easy). So what am I to do but to step back and away from the family members who want to put him in a box.

Which is what I did & got a lot of flack for- but I told them that I had to stand by my standards and dreams. My fiance was not like theirs- nor do I want him to be. My counselor reminded me that when I get married I would have to forsake all others & our families would become one. How could I expect it from him & not be willing to do it myself?

A lot believe I should stand by my family because blood is thicker than water- but I refuse to be dictated to by my family as it relates to my love life. I have been the black sheep for them before- I am accustomed to this. There was a period where I was on my own from my family for almost two years. They had issues with me then and I know that in my family they will continue to have issues. No matter who I marry my style/type of men seems like it will always be an issue. It is best I let them know from now that it is my life to live.

As I am leaving I want to leave you with one of my favorite scripture text: Psalm 42. Hope in God- not in the others! Pray for me as I go along this road...

The Diarist
[For every moment was meant to be taken in and reflected upon.]

Alone...

I feel alone at times & there are times I wish I had never been born- but this too shall pass. Someday soon I will write this out also. But for now I want to keep it to myself alone...

Death...

Some of you by now should know that my uncle passed away suddenly yesterday. I have yet to find out what really happened in the events surrounding his death at work. All I know is that today I am left with a chest full of pain as I come to grips with the reality of his death.

It is unfair to me how a man who is so good and so nice to all he met could die like that. A fall or explosion that caused the fall. I want to beat at my chest and cry because the pain I feel is too great for words. I can't believe that I wont see him ever again- I wont be able to hug him & tell him what is going on in my life lately. Every time I saw him he encouraged me to continue striving- it is because of him I was able to talk to my mom about dating at sixteen. His death leaves me here feeling cold & alone.

I know that I am not alone but I don't know who I can talk to about how I fully feel. My fiance wants me to open up to him more but I don't know how to fully explain how I feel. I can't really even open up in this form at the moment. Maybe in a few days, weeks, months or years I'll be able to express it- but for now thanks for listening to my minor ramblings...

Nat

Styles

It started with a kiss on my forehead by my fiance. I felt so good when he did. He complimented me the other day on my hair which was in a twist out (a very new style for me). My hair is really growing so I am now able to try new styles & things in it.

I had my hair twisted by my cousin then a few days later did the twist out pictured above. My makeup that day was on-point. I looked so yummy. I wore it out last weekend at my family's Valentine's Day Dinner. I felt really great dressed up. I find that as I am learning & trying new hairstyles I am also trying new styles in general. I am growing as a young woman & gaining more confidence in myself.

So tomorrow I put in some kinky twists for approximately 6 weeks to 2 months. The hairstyle should take about 6-8 hours to be placed in. As I am learning & trying more styles in my hair I have also started to look for my wedding hairstyle & my family is up in arms wanting me to straighten or add weave. My fiance wants me to wear it natural so this is when I start looking for natural hairstyles. I found one that I especially loved. It is a style by Nedjetti & I feel like it is a pretty wedding style (I wonder if my hair will look as pretty or be as long by that time.)

I am looking & searching online for more Natural Bridal hairstyles but it is hard. I want to look like a princess on that day- I want to feel stylish. What do you think of it? I will add more hairstyle options another time. I am tired so next time will be a longer edition on hair, life, love & God. Be blessed!

The Diarist
For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected on.

Ring...

So all of you by now know that I am engaged. The one thing about me being SDA that I love is that I don't have to wear an engagement ring/ wedding band when I get married. But the hardest thing about living in this world is that everyone expects you to.

For many different reasons I just dont feel like I want or need a ring to prove to the world that he likes it/ loves me. lol. I remember when he proposed to me & I know that it was the perfect moment for me- there wasn't a dozen roses or him pulling out a ring. It was simple, it was sweet & it made me happy!

We were watching one of my favorite movies "Letter to Juliet" when he turned to me (with friends and family near by oblivious to us) and asked me to marry him. I was taken aback & my first response was "why?"

I asked him why because I already knew why I wanted to marry him but I wanted to make sure that his reasons were strong. He said to me : "Because I want to spend each day with you. I want to protect you at night when you have nightmares & I don't want to look back at this years from now with shoulda woulda coulda's."(I am sure he didn't say it exactly like this but this will have to do.)

It wasn't the most romantic proposal but I knew he meant it- he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I knew that he was serious about wanting to be my protector so I said yes! I said yes even though he wanted time to keep it to ourselves for a time. I was over the moon about it and allowed it to be this way. I knew that it would not be easy- & it hasn't been but I wouldn't take back my answer or his question for all the roses or rings in this world.

The ring is supposed to be a symbol of the commitment that a man & woman have for each other- but many times it is only just a ring. Just like how circumcision was an outward symbol of a relationship with God that after a while became nothing more than a painful religious act. If the ring of commitment isn't in our hearts like the circumcision wasn't in many hearts when Christ came to earth the marriage is for not. If a man's heart is not vested in the relationship the ring is nothing more than an expensive piece of jewelery. I don't want that- I want more than that. I have more than that- without the ring.

As I leave please keep Matthew 22:37 in your heart & spirit.

The Diarist
[For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon.]

Watchers...

I hinted in my last post that I would talk about my Weight Watchers initiative. I really get depressed at times at how 'fat' I've gotten. I am no longer that bobblehead whose only issue was finding her length. Now I cannot even fit into my fat jeans I knew it was time to take measures.

 Pic of me now- too many pounds overweight.

Even at my biggest in my past years I never felt this way about my body- where I actually hate it on many days. For a long time the only thing I found beautiful about me was my figure & my eyes. Now I wear glasses due to astigmatism & comfortableness has made me fat.

 Glasses & weight are my newest contentions

My first week on Weight Watchers I lost 2 pounds which was hard cause I had to relearn from scratch things I had just stopped practicing. Watching what I ate, making time for physical activity & in general doing more to be better & feel better. The thing is with watching I noticed that I had watchers of my weight.

A much skinnier Diarist- 2008

A lot of people struggle with weight- I have for the past decade or so of my life. During this time I have had so many persons who watch my weight & the other things that change around me. Making me extra sensitive & self-conscious. What made this all harder is that everyone seems to have some advice on how/why I put on all the weight. What I really needed was support and advice on how to lose it. lol.

In my weight gain this time I learned that people are really critical of former skinny people when they put on any weight. I also learned that there were other aspects of me that was pretty/ wow worthy. The biggest thing for me was realizing that through it all I still have joy & God has in many ways humbled me. Keep Philippians 4:5-10 in your heart & spirit. But most importantly I leave you with the portion of this scripture that has become my mantra:

Philippians 4:8 (King James Version)

 ⁸Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

The Diarist
{For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon...}

Me.... updates

So it has been about 3 months since I cut my hair & today I was complimented at work at how it was growing. Also how beautiful it looked. Today I tried a twist out in my hair but it didn't fully work. Still cute though.





A month ago I went & got my hair sewn in & braided at the front- I had it in for Christmas, New Year's & my friends Bahamas vacation- it has been through a lot & I finally took it out to give my hair some breathing time.

My hair journey so far has been fun & exciting- so much things to learn & do. I have a new hair example or person to look up to- my cousin who has been growing her hair for the last 4 years- a true black girl long hair story. She has been growing it from 2007, her hair secret is castor oil, and she is also very fond of braids & plaits.

That will be all  for now... Next time I talk about my Weight Watchers. :)