Even alone- I have smiled & will continue to smile (Diarist- circa 2009)
A few weeks ago I insinuated that I was going through something I couldn't talk about yet and honestly I couldn't. At this moment I still cannot really & fully talk about it.
Today I got up like I have done everyday for the last few weeks. I cleaned my room, washed clothes, cleaned the house & job hunted. It is a regular day. Yet about five weeks ago my day would have been filled talking with my cousins & sister.
What started out as a Saturday afternoon drive became an all out war. One of my cousins and a sister are also engaged so it has been a lot of craziness planning the weddings. With there being three brides within six months of each other there are also bridezillas. My fiance has been around when I have gotten hurt by others wanting me to marry more in the styles that they want. It came to a head when one bride was telling another bride that she was doing things wrong in the car.
My fiance butted in & told her that she was not perfect and her wedding day would not be perfect so everyone was entitled to their own wedding styles. This opened the floodgates for World War III in my family. Guess who got caught in the middle? Yup- I did.
My fiance apologized for his tone but my cousin did not accept it- neither did my sister. From here it became a them verses us for them. They told me that no matter who married into the family they didn't need to know what was happening in the family (which I thought was stupid), and that my husband and I were to be a family but I was to come and be with my family (them) alone. Because their fiances were nonexistent in the family mine should be also.
There seemed to be a problem with the fact that my fiance was not from the same background as all of us & their fiances were. I feel like the heart of the problem was that he wasn't one of 'us' to them- something I feel at times with his family. What hurts is that I expected so much more from them. My family made me feel like they thought I was still with him because I was a social climber. Which I am not- I just have standards that is not like theirs.
I think back to the list I had as an eighteen year old about the qualities I wanted in my future husband- the biggest one for me (outside of loving God) was that he became a part of my family and our pains. My William is like that- & I try to be there for him in the way he is for me (that is not always so easy). So what am I to do but to step back and away from the family members who want to put him in a box.
Which is what I did & got a lot of flack for- but I told them that I had to stand by my standards and dreams. My fiance was not like theirs- nor do I want him to be. My counselor reminded me that when I get married I would have to forsake all others & our families would become one. How could I expect it from him & not be willing to do it myself?
A lot believe I should stand by my family because blood is thicker than water- but I refuse to be dictated to by my family as it relates to my love life. I have been the black sheep for them before- I am accustomed to this. There was a period where I was on my own from my family for almost two years. They had issues with me then and I know that in my family they will continue to have issues. No matter who I marry my style/type of men seems like it will always be an issue. It is best I let them know from now that it is my life to live.
As I am leaving I want to leave you with one of my favorite scripture text: Psalm 42. Hope in God- not in the others! Pray for me as I go along this road...
The Diarist
[For every moment was meant to be taken in and reflected upon.]
