Yet tonight was also a good night. I got to chat with an old friend until 2:30am about some stuff that had made me very depressed for so long. Honestly, I should be over it but I needed to vent without feeling like I was stupid to still have issues.
Over 2 years ago, a battle was waged on my mind and heart in earnest. The weapons used against me were the words of my friends. I spent many nights crying & worrying about the way my friends & others view me. To one of my friends I was manipulative, to another I was pushy & aggressive, to others I was plain selfish & always a victim. I just didn't know how to take it but as truth. Honestly, I felt like I was not fit to be a friend to anyone.
It was painful for me as I went through those months. At times also very lonely. I found that even though I was finally coming into my own as it related to my love life my friendships were falling apart. My friends had always meant the world to me. I really needed the to remain the same but God in His wisdom said no.
God pruned me so much until all the friends I had thought I had were almost gone. I never felt as alone as I did then. God and my writing were my only constants. Church turned into a chore because I was constantly reminded of what was before & what I now had before me.
For the beauty of a lily to be appreciated it has to bloom in dirty areas. In this period of ashes my beauty emerged. I had started to give myself meaning by who my friends were & who we would become together as a team. We had such high hopes & goals. To someday co-own a chain of small Bed & Breakfast's, invest together in our communities, travel the world as Best-selling authors, artists and professionals. But it seems that we were all too much alike.
After my friendships fizzled away, for a long time I hid from everyoneso that I could heal the hurt. I gave up on the idea of a circle of friends I could trust to keep me accountable. I did not want to deal with issues resulting in me being held accountable by my friends, but them not wanting to be held the same way by me. I had always dreamed of the closeness that I saw on the movies with women. But for me it could neverhappen. I was just too much drama- not enough friend.
The thoughts my friends had about me started to play out in other areas of my life. I second guess everything I do now. My fiance gets annoyed cause I will ask him a trillion times if he is ok with whatever we agree on. I have a hard time asserting myself as I had done in the past. I am constantly hiding my light/knowledge for everyone around me. I also find that I get angry or hurt so much more quickly when I am criticized. Mostly because I was tired of being told that to be who I was is annoying.
Praise God that through time my wounds have begun to heal. I have finally opened my life & heart to new friends. In this venture I find myself straddling the line of self reserve & timidity with periods of excitement & pure joy. I am a long way from being that skinny girl with smiles & an encouraging word. But by God's grace I will get there & actually someplace better someday.
Written: 6/12/2010- 4:00am
