Others...

Even alone- I have smiled & will continue to smile (Diarist- circa 2009)

A few weeks ago I insinuated that I was going through something I couldn't talk about yet and honestly I couldn't. At this moment I still cannot really & fully talk about it.

Today I got up like I have done everyday for the last few weeks. I cleaned my room, washed clothes, cleaned the house & job hunted. It is a regular day. Yet about five weeks ago my day would have been filled talking with my cousins & sister.

What started out as a Saturday afternoon drive became an all out war. One of my cousins and a sister are also engaged so it has been a lot of craziness planning the weddings. With there being three brides within six months of each other there are also bridezillas. My fiance has been around when I have gotten hurt by others wanting me to marry more in the styles that they want. It came to a head when one bride was telling another bride that she was doing things wrong in the car.

My fiance butted in & told her that she was not perfect and her wedding day would not be perfect so everyone was entitled to their own wedding styles. This opened the floodgates for World War III in my family. Guess who got caught in the middle? Yup- I did.

My fiance apologized for his tone but my cousin did not accept it- neither did my sister. From here it became a them verses us for them. They told me that no matter who married into the family they didn't need to know what was happening in the family (which I thought was stupid), and that my husband and I were to be a family but I was to come and be with my family (them) alone. Because their fiances were nonexistent in the family mine should be also.

There seemed to be a problem with the fact that my fiance was not from the same background as all of us & their fiances were. I feel like the heart of the problem was that he wasn't one of 'us' to them- something I feel at times with his family. What hurts is that I expected so much more from them. My family made me feel like they thought I was still with him because I was a social climber. Which I am not- I just have standards that is not like theirs.

I think back to the list I had as an eighteen year old about the qualities I wanted in my future husband- the biggest one for me (outside of loving God) was that he became a part of my family and our pains. My William is like that- & I try to be there for him in the way he is for me (that is not always so easy). So what am I to do but to step back and away from the family members who want to put him in a box.

Which is what I did & got a lot of flack for- but I told them that I had to stand by my standards and dreams. My fiance was not like theirs- nor do I want him to be. My counselor reminded me that when I get married I would have to forsake all others & our families would become one. How could I expect it from him & not be willing to do it myself?

A lot believe I should stand by my family because blood is thicker than water- but I refuse to be dictated to by my family as it relates to my love life. I have been the black sheep for them before- I am accustomed to this. There was a period where I was on my own from my family for almost two years. They had issues with me then and I know that in my family they will continue to have issues. No matter who I marry my style/type of men seems like it will always be an issue. It is best I let them know from now that it is my life to live.

As I am leaving I want to leave you with one of my favorite scripture text: Psalm 42. Hope in God- not in the others! Pray for me as I go along this road...

The Diarist
[For every moment was meant to be taken in and reflected upon.]

Alone...

I feel alone at times & there are times I wish I had never been born- but this too shall pass. Someday soon I will write this out also. But for now I want to keep it to myself alone...

Death...

Some of you by now should know that my uncle passed away suddenly yesterday. I have yet to find out what really happened in the events surrounding his death at work. All I know is that today I am left with a chest full of pain as I come to grips with the reality of his death.

It is unfair to me how a man who is so good and so nice to all he met could die like that. A fall or explosion that caused the fall. I want to beat at my chest and cry because the pain I feel is too great for words. I can't believe that I wont see him ever again- I wont be able to hug him & tell him what is going on in my life lately. Every time I saw him he encouraged me to continue striving- it is because of him I was able to talk to my mom about dating at sixteen. His death leaves me here feeling cold & alone.

I know that I am not alone but I don't know who I can talk to about how I fully feel. My fiance wants me to open up to him more but I don't know how to fully explain how I feel. I can't really even open up in this form at the moment. Maybe in a few days, weeks, months or years I'll be able to express it- but for now thanks for listening to my minor ramblings...

Nat

Styles

It started with a kiss on my forehead by my fiance. I felt so good when he did. He complimented me the other day on my hair which was in a twist out (a very new style for me). My hair is really growing so I am now able to try new styles & things in it.

I had my hair twisted by my cousin then a few days later did the twist out pictured above. My makeup that day was on-point. I looked so yummy. I wore it out last weekend at my family's Valentine's Day Dinner. I felt really great dressed up. I find that as I am learning & trying new hairstyles I am also trying new styles in general. I am growing as a young woman & gaining more confidence in myself.

So tomorrow I put in some kinky twists for approximately 6 weeks to 2 months. The hairstyle should take about 6-8 hours to be placed in. As I am learning & trying more styles in my hair I have also started to look for my wedding hairstyle & my family is up in arms wanting me to straighten or add weave. My fiance wants me to wear it natural so this is when I start looking for natural hairstyles. I found one that I especially loved. It is a style by Nedjetti & I feel like it is a pretty wedding style (I wonder if my hair will look as pretty or be as long by that time.)

I am looking & searching online for more Natural Bridal hairstyles but it is hard. I want to look like a princess on that day- I want to feel stylish. What do you think of it? I will add more hairstyle options another time. I am tired so next time will be a longer edition on hair, life, love & God. Be blessed!

The Diarist
For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected on.

Ring...

So all of you by now know that I am engaged. The one thing about me being SDA that I love is that I don't have to wear an engagement ring/ wedding band when I get married. But the hardest thing about living in this world is that everyone expects you to.

For many different reasons I just dont feel like I want or need a ring to prove to the world that he likes it/ loves me. lol. I remember when he proposed to me & I know that it was the perfect moment for me- there wasn't a dozen roses or him pulling out a ring. It was simple, it was sweet & it made me happy!

We were watching one of my favorite movies "Letter to Juliet" when he turned to me (with friends and family near by oblivious to us) and asked me to marry him. I was taken aback & my first response was "why?"

I asked him why because I already knew why I wanted to marry him but I wanted to make sure that his reasons were strong. He said to me : "Because I want to spend each day with you. I want to protect you at night when you have nightmares & I don't want to look back at this years from now with shoulda woulda coulda's."(I am sure he didn't say it exactly like this but this will have to do.)

It wasn't the most romantic proposal but I knew he meant it- he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I knew that he was serious about wanting to be my protector so I said yes! I said yes even though he wanted time to keep it to ourselves for a time. I was over the moon about it and allowed it to be this way. I knew that it would not be easy- & it hasn't been but I wouldn't take back my answer or his question for all the roses or rings in this world.

The ring is supposed to be a symbol of the commitment that a man & woman have for each other- but many times it is only just a ring. Just like how circumcision was an outward symbol of a relationship with God that after a while became nothing more than a painful religious act. If the ring of commitment isn't in our hearts like the circumcision wasn't in many hearts when Christ came to earth the marriage is for not. If a man's heart is not vested in the relationship the ring is nothing more than an expensive piece of jewelery. I don't want that- I want more than that. I have more than that- without the ring.

As I leave please keep Matthew 22:37 in your heart & spirit.

The Diarist
[For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon.]

Watchers...

I hinted in my last post that I would talk about my Weight Watchers initiative. I really get depressed at times at how 'fat' I've gotten. I am no longer that bobblehead whose only issue was finding her length. Now I cannot even fit into my fat jeans I knew it was time to take measures.

 Pic of me now- too many pounds overweight.

Even at my biggest in my past years I never felt this way about my body- where I actually hate it on many days. For a long time the only thing I found beautiful about me was my figure & my eyes. Now I wear glasses due to astigmatism & comfortableness has made me fat.

 Glasses & weight are my newest contentions

My first week on Weight Watchers I lost 2 pounds which was hard cause I had to relearn from scratch things I had just stopped practicing. Watching what I ate, making time for physical activity & in general doing more to be better & feel better. The thing is with watching I noticed that I had watchers of my weight.

A much skinnier Diarist- 2008

A lot of people struggle with weight- I have for the past decade or so of my life. During this time I have had so many persons who watch my weight & the other things that change around me. Making me extra sensitive & self-conscious. What made this all harder is that everyone seems to have some advice on how/why I put on all the weight. What I really needed was support and advice on how to lose it. lol.

In my weight gain this time I learned that people are really critical of former skinny people when they put on any weight. I also learned that there were other aspects of me that was pretty/ wow worthy. The biggest thing for me was realizing that through it all I still have joy & God has in many ways humbled me. Keep Philippians 4:5-10 in your heart & spirit. But most importantly I leave you with the portion of this scripture that has become my mantra:

Philippians 4:8 (King James Version)

 ⁸Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

The Diarist
{For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon...}

Me.... updates

So it has been about 3 months since I cut my hair & today I was complimented at work at how it was growing. Also how beautiful it looked. Today I tried a twist out in my hair but it didn't fully work. Still cute though.





A month ago I went & got my hair sewn in & braided at the front- I had it in for Christmas, New Year's & my friends Bahamas vacation- it has been through a lot & I finally took it out to give my hair some breathing time.

My hair journey so far has been fun & exciting- so much things to learn & do. I have a new hair example or person to look up to- my cousin who has been growing her hair for the last 4 years- a true black girl long hair story. She has been growing it from 2007, her hair secret is castor oil, and she is also very fond of braids & plaits.

That will be all  for now... Next time I talk about my Weight Watchers. :)