My Story, My Dreams, My Thanks!

Everyone has a story. In each story there are protagonists, and antagonists- and in every story are the background characters who would be the friends or alliances of the main characters. Friendships can make or break you. My story is filled with friends and acquaintances who have taught me so much about myself and who I am. I know that it is all because of God. 

And friends are friends forever

If the Lord's the Lord of them

And a friend will not say never

'Cause the welcome will not end

 

My story is one of a girl who is too logical to be a dreamer but in her deepest recesses she is one and dearly wants to be released. Through her friendships she is learning and has learned that dreams are real and they can and will come true. My friends have taught me so much. I look at our lives and realize we are growing in our destinies. I realize that my deepest fears were just that. You can fall in love, get married, get 'fat', and be your worst self- yet still have a man who loves even the smallest part of you. You can go through an all out war due to some serious misunderstandings where all sides disrespect each other and end up having a close relationship with in-laws that rival and at times surpass the ones you have with your family. (Sorry Mrs. T for hurting you. I do love you and look to you like a mom!)

My friends have inspired me to work at my dreams. I have a dream of someday writing and publishing my own novel. I'm working on that dream now. One of my dreams is to learn how to sew. My dream project is the picture of the yellow dress below but for now I am working on a simple yet elegant two piece for an upcoming wedding. My friend Olivia is teaching me how to sew. I am working hard at emptying myself of my dreams so I can start new ones.

To my friends, my family and my in-laws- I thank God for you. You inspire me to be more and do more. I know I can do it all because of you! Keep Ecclesiastes 4:12 in your hearts and spirits.

"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." [Ecclesiastes 4:12. NLT]

~The Diarist~

Every moment is meant to be taken in and reflected on.

Wish...

Saturday was my cousin's wedding & it was amazing! I am so happy that today I can say that she is Mrs. Yolna Louissaint. Her husband truly spoils her & shows her that he loves her. She deserves every happiness!

I thoroughly enjoyed the wedding & cannot wait for some nieces & nephews! To the newlyweds I wish a long & blessed life together! Keep Ephesians 5:21-33 in your heart & spirit.

The Diarist
For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Words...

STOP!

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say to me (or about me) can & will be used for or against you in or on my blog. If you are a hater it will continue to be inside of you because my beauty is something you will never understand. I will not stop succeeding because I'm happy and God has truly blessed me. So get back & be quiet!

The above may become my new disclaimer when dealing with some persons who have let this very small blogger stomp on a few of their corns. (I wonder what will happen when I publish my memoirs?) Its funny how someone who doesn't come from a 'regular' family has such a way with words. In fact for someone very ordinary I seem to have a way of stirring up the nest.

*These words are my own> from my heart...* Natasha Bedingfield

I realized as of late that if no one else would be true to me & my words it would have to be me. Unless otherwise stated I- Natasha Rufin pledge to speak/write words I can & will stand behind. Too often people expect you to defer your opinion to someone older as a sign of respect. That is not respect- that is platitude. I will not placate anyone by being seen & not heard.

I also realized that people can read what you write and it goes completely over them. They take things you may wonder about to be actual beliefs, they read to find a hole so they can break your walls down- while never answering the questions that you pose. But why didn't I remember that Christ said that this would happen?

I often 'wonder' (again here I go with my perusals) to myself:
- Why do some persons think that to be respectful is to not question their authority? God allows us to reason with Him (Isaiah 1:18); and many persons in the Bible have questioned Him or asked for a sign.
- Do they know me? Which the answer is always no. They don't know me, they only see photos, see blog posts and hear about the things I've gone through. They don't know what has and will continue to make me tick.
- Am I respected? This I'm not sure of but then again does it matter if I am? Are the persons who disrespected me going to be played closely in my life? Have I allowed such persons to play closely in my life before?

In high school (and school in general) I was extremely shy about making new friends. The only place I tried not to be shy in school was in the classroom & especially in my option classes where I was the only girl (the smurfette so to speak). This equated to the girls in my homeroom that I was stuck-up & snobby. I didn't get it because I was always so helpful with them, I tried to talk when I could- but mostly I think it was my standards & refusal to do what they wanted me to do (and what they did) that made me a snob.

I feel like it is the same today as it was in high school. I am not going to change who I am to make another person/persons happy. I'm not going to call off my engagement, I'm not going to leave my faith or church, I am not going to sit quietly as I am called hurtful things, & I'm not going to stop writing about what I go through. I know now why I am the Natasha that I am as I did then. It was not to make others happy in my defeat- but God happy in my victories!

As I leave you today I hope that you are blessed! Keep Matthew 10:16-42, 21:42 & II Timothy 3:16&17 in your heart & Spirit as you meditate! Have a wonderful Sabbath!

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Tow...

"I see you had your tow behind you on Monday."
"Isn't it a good thing you had put off getting married?"
"You spend too much time with her- you need to spend more time at home."
"You have only experienced chocolate cake so far, you need to try out other flavors & types before you settle down and get married."

These are all statements made by my 'future' in-laws. My fiance is going through some stuff right now- & in typical fashion his family had a lot to say about what he should do with his life & our relationship. Honestly, at times all I want is to run away to another country meet someone (hopefully an orphan), and start from scratch. I feel like the words and the mean voices of his family make me doubt who I am. If I listened to them I would be a gold-digging user who was out to trap him into marriage.

I dislike that he was told to try other flavors. That is redundant- if I go to an ice cream parlour and find that vanilla is my favorite flavor- why must I continue to try other flavors? Ten flavors from now I will still want vanilla- if I find what I want earlier than someone else why should I suffer & possibly miss out on what I really want?

I am not who they say I am. I am not gold-digging (if I was I would be so far from here married to the doctor who had wanted to marry me), I am not a user, I have never been anyone's 'tow'. At times when I think of the words they say about me I get depressed- other times very angry. I have never cheated on him, I don't cause any trouble, I don't sass/back talk, but I am sure if I had back talked they would leave me & my name alone.

Some days I wonder if it would get better after our wedding? Will they finally accept me? Or have their words shown me that they have yet to accept me? Is it all worth it? Will I have to deal with this for the rest of my life? What would these people say to my children (if I even have children into this madness)?

I also wonder if their words don't stem from the issue that they are (even though they would disagree) xenophobic & my Haitian culture is an insult to them/makes them uncomfortable? I wonder if they feel like I am only with William so that I can get 'acceptability' in this messed up country I live in. I don't care about being accepted by Bahamians (the true-true ones) anymore. All I want with my fiance is his love & support- which I receive already. We love being with each other & we are neither persons 'tow'/burden.

I just needed to vent today so I am rambling- I don't even know how to find a scripture text for all of this. But until next time be blessed & pray for me!

The Diarist

For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon...

Fit...

Just like a shoe, if someone is meant for you, they will fit perfectly; no forcing, no struggling, no pain...

Is this one a perfect fit?

Others...

Even alone- I have smiled & will continue to smile (Diarist- circa 2009)

A few weeks ago I insinuated that I was going through something I couldn't talk about yet and honestly I couldn't. At this moment I still cannot really & fully talk about it.

Today I got up like I have done everyday for the last few weeks. I cleaned my room, washed clothes, cleaned the house & job hunted. It is a regular day. Yet about five weeks ago my day would have been filled talking with my cousins & sister.

What started out as a Saturday afternoon drive became an all out war. One of my cousins and a sister are also engaged so it has been a lot of craziness planning the weddings. With there being three brides within six months of each other there are also bridezillas. My fiance has been around when I have gotten hurt by others wanting me to marry more in the styles that they want. It came to a head when one bride was telling another bride that she was doing things wrong in the car.

My fiance butted in & told her that she was not perfect and her wedding day would not be perfect so everyone was entitled to their own wedding styles. This opened the floodgates for World War III in my family. Guess who got caught in the middle? Yup- I did.

My fiance apologized for his tone but my cousin did not accept it- neither did my sister. From here it became a them verses us for them. They told me that no matter who married into the family they didn't need to know what was happening in the family (which I thought was stupid), and that my husband and I were to be a family but I was to come and be with my family (them) alone. Because their fiances were nonexistent in the family mine should be also.

There seemed to be a problem with the fact that my fiance was not from the same background as all of us & their fiances were. I feel like the heart of the problem was that he wasn't one of 'us' to them- something I feel at times with his family. What hurts is that I expected so much more from them. My family made me feel like they thought I was still with him because I was a social climber. Which I am not- I just have standards that is not like theirs.

I think back to the list I had as an eighteen year old about the qualities I wanted in my future husband- the biggest one for me (outside of loving God) was that he became a part of my family and our pains. My William is like that- & I try to be there for him in the way he is for me (that is not always so easy). So what am I to do but to step back and away from the family members who want to put him in a box.

Which is what I did & got a lot of flack for- but I told them that I had to stand by my standards and dreams. My fiance was not like theirs- nor do I want him to be. My counselor reminded me that when I get married I would have to forsake all others & our families would become one. How could I expect it from him & not be willing to do it myself?

A lot believe I should stand by my family because blood is thicker than water- but I refuse to be dictated to by my family as it relates to my love life. I have been the black sheep for them before- I am accustomed to this. There was a period where I was on my own from my family for almost two years. They had issues with me then and I know that in my family they will continue to have issues. No matter who I marry my style/type of men seems like it will always be an issue. It is best I let them know from now that it is my life to live.

As I am leaving I want to leave you with one of my favorite scripture text: Psalm 42. Hope in God- not in the others! Pray for me as I go along this road...

The Diarist
[For every moment was meant to be taken in and reflected upon.]

Ring...

So all of you by now know that I am engaged. The one thing about me being SDA that I love is that I don't have to wear an engagement ring/ wedding band when I get married. But the hardest thing about living in this world is that everyone expects you to.

For many different reasons I just dont feel like I want or need a ring to prove to the world that he likes it/ loves me. lol. I remember when he proposed to me & I know that it was the perfect moment for me- there wasn't a dozen roses or him pulling out a ring. It was simple, it was sweet & it made me happy!

We were watching one of my favorite movies "Letter to Juliet" when he turned to me (with friends and family near by oblivious to us) and asked me to marry him. I was taken aback & my first response was "why?"

I asked him why because I already knew why I wanted to marry him but I wanted to make sure that his reasons were strong. He said to me : "Because I want to spend each day with you. I want to protect you at night when you have nightmares & I don't want to look back at this years from now with shoulda woulda coulda's."(I am sure he didn't say it exactly like this but this will have to do.)

It wasn't the most romantic proposal but I knew he meant it- he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I knew that he was serious about wanting to be my protector so I said yes! I said yes even though he wanted time to keep it to ourselves for a time. I was over the moon about it and allowed it to be this way. I knew that it would not be easy- & it hasn't been but I wouldn't take back my answer or his question for all the roses or rings in this world.

The ring is supposed to be a symbol of the commitment that a man & woman have for each other- but many times it is only just a ring. Just like how circumcision was an outward symbol of a relationship with God that after a while became nothing more than a painful religious act. If the ring of commitment isn't in our hearts like the circumcision wasn't in many hearts when Christ came to earth the marriage is for not. If a man's heart is not vested in the relationship the ring is nothing more than an expensive piece of jewelery. I don't want that- I want more than that. I have more than that- without the ring.

As I leave please keep Matthew 22:37 in your heart & spirit.

The Diarist
[For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon.]

Honestly...

So I'm writing this after watching an LMN movie that was very interesting to say the least. Tonight was a bad night for me. There were moments of absolute confusion and hurt with my fiance. It is on nights like these I wonder how persons who are married survive. Cause being engaged is no picnic.

Yet tonight was also a good night. I got to chat with an old friend until 2:30am about some stuff that had made me very depressed for so long. Honestly, I should be over it but I needed to vent without feeling like I was stupid to still have issues.

Over 2 years ago, a battle was waged on my mind and heart in earnest. The weapons used against me were the words of my friends. I spent many nights crying & worrying about the way my friends & others view me. To one of my friends I was manipulative, to another I was pushy & aggressive, to others I was plain selfish & always a victim. I just didn't know how to take it but as truth. Honestly, I felt like I was not fit to be a friend to anyone.

It was painful for me as I went through those months. At times also very lonely. I found that even though I was finally coming into my own as it related to my love life my friendships were falling apart. My friends had always meant the world to me. I really needed the to remain the same but God in His wisdom said no.

God pruned me so much until all the friends I had thought I had were almost gone. I never felt as alone as I did then. God and my writing were my only constants. Church turned into a chore because I was constantly reminded of what was before & what I now had before me.

For the beauty of a lily to be appreciated it has to bloom in dirty areas. In this period of ashes my beauty emerged. I had started to give myself meaning by who my friends were & who we would become together as a team. We had such high hopes & goals. To someday co-own a chain of small Bed & Breakfast's, invest together in our communities, travel the world as Best-selling authors, artists and professionals. But it seems that we were all too much alike.

After my friendships fizzled away, for a long time I hid from everyoneso that I could heal the hurt. I gave up on the idea of a circle of friends I could trust to keep me accountable. I did not want to deal with issues resulting in me being held accountable by my friends, but them not wanting to be held the same way by me. I had always dreamed of the closeness that I saw on the movies with women. But for me it could neverhappen. I was just too much drama- not enough friend.

The thoughts my friends had about me  started to play out in other areas of my life. I second guess everything I do now. My fiance gets annoyed cause I will ask him a trillion times if he is ok with whatever we agree on. I have a hard time asserting myself as I had done in the past. I am constantly hiding my light/knowledge for everyone around me.  I also find that I get angry or hurt so much more quickly when I am criticized. Mostly because I was tired of being told that to be who I was is annoying.

Praise God that through time my wounds have begun to heal. I have finally opened my life & heart to new friends. In this venture I find myself straddling the line of self reserve & timidity with periods of excitement & pure joy. I am a long way from being that skinny girl with smiles & an encouraging word. But by God's grace I will get there & actually someplace better someday.

Written: 6/12/2010- 4:00am

Running

About a few weeks back I began to feel interested in this new guy who was so awesome! I mean like I can talk to him, we share a lot in common, and he is so cute! I can't wait to meet him in about 2 weeks. It promises to be exciting! But even before that there are some issues that I must work on. Like my need to run.

I've read so many books on the topic of dating yet many times I feel the inclination to run. When I say run it is normally in either of two ways- run away from the guy of my dreams, or chase after him when he decides that he is getting too close and needs to run. I know that I was advised that whenever a guy does the classic pulling away thing to remain calm and leave him alone- but for some strange reason with this new guy I am getting very impulsive (I hate when I do this cause I get very silly!)

Like for instance just now I picked up the phone and called him after I promised myself that I wouldn't. But I did! How am I to be the beautiful captivating lady i am if I act so clingy?

HELP!!!