Engaged!!!

One of my best friends announced the other day that she is engaged and I am so excited for her. I am happy for this new phase of her life. Being engaged is crazy but I wouldn't trade it for nothing. I love knowing that my man loves me enough that he wants to be committed to me (no matter how crazy, neurotic and peppy I am). Both our fiancés feel like we are good things. (Proverbs 18:22)
Don't get me wrong- being engaged is NO piece of cake. We have had to change our wedding date due to internal & external factors, one family is 'interesting' (to say the least) as it relates to our relationship, we are both currently unemployed & about to go back to school, but I know we will be married. I have faith in us- if I hadn't I wouldn't have said yes.
Engagement puts many thoughts in the minds of those in and around your life, no matter who you are there is excitement, fear, envy and even sadness at the thought forgetting that for everything there is a time for everything under the sun (Ecclesiastes 3:1). The planning of a wedding has been 'thought' to be the happiest moment of life for a woman- but it isn't always. For me I was happier @ times planning my birthday celebrations.
I have been helping my cousin with her wedding (designing invitations, programs and other items) and I have seen bridesmaids drop out (me being one of them), fights with future in-laws & with the future spouse. It is not for the faint hearted- I feel like honestly, getting eloped is quieter, cheaper & less nerve wrecking.
As a future bride I have had my say yes to the dress moment (trying on dream gowns with my aunts), I've budgeted to the 't' what I wanted but honestly the wedding isn't the biggest day of our lives. Working on us as a couple & individually in marriage will be much more important. I feel like if people spent as much time planning for the actually marriage (with counseling, research & prayer) as much as they did for the wedding day they would be less likely to spend an insane amount keeping up with the Jones' wedding day and not lasting five years.
Engagement isn't something that should be entered in lightly as marriage is one of the things Adam & Eve got to bring out of the Garden of Eden. Not everyone will get married & stay married (even as I may want them to.) So as my bestie celebrates & I celebrate with her I hope that you are encouraged and keep us in your prayers. Keep Ecclesiastes 3:11 & I Corinthians 13 in your heart & spirit!
The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Tow...

"I see you had your tow behind you on Monday."
"Isn't it a good thing you had put off getting married?"
"You spend too much time with her- you need to spend more time at home."
"You have only experienced chocolate cake so far, you need to try out other flavors & types before you settle down and get married."

These are all statements made by my 'future' in-laws. My fiance is going through some stuff right now- & in typical fashion his family had a lot to say about what he should do with his life & our relationship. Honestly, at times all I want is to run away to another country meet someone (hopefully an orphan), and start from scratch. I feel like the words and the mean voices of his family make me doubt who I am. If I listened to them I would be a gold-digging user who was out to trap him into marriage.

I dislike that he was told to try other flavors. That is redundant- if I go to an ice cream parlour and find that vanilla is my favorite flavor- why must I continue to try other flavors? Ten flavors from now I will still want vanilla- if I find what I want earlier than someone else why should I suffer & possibly miss out on what I really want?

I am not who they say I am. I am not gold-digging (if I was I would be so far from here married to the doctor who had wanted to marry me), I am not a user, I have never been anyone's 'tow'. At times when I think of the words they say about me I get depressed- other times very angry. I have never cheated on him, I don't cause any trouble, I don't sass/back talk, but I am sure if I had back talked they would leave me & my name alone.

Some days I wonder if it would get better after our wedding? Will they finally accept me? Or have their words shown me that they have yet to accept me? Is it all worth it? Will I have to deal with this for the rest of my life? What would these people say to my children (if I even have children into this madness)?

I also wonder if their words don't stem from the issue that they are (even though they would disagree) xenophobic & my Haitian culture is an insult to them/makes them uncomfortable? I wonder if they feel like I am only with William so that I can get 'acceptability' in this messed up country I live in. I don't care about being accepted by Bahamians (the true-true ones) anymore. All I want with my fiance is his love & support- which I receive already. We love being with each other & we are neither persons 'tow'/burden.

I just needed to vent today so I am rambling- I don't even know how to find a scripture text for all of this. But until next time be blessed & pray for me!

The Diarist

For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon...

Others...

Even alone- I have smiled & will continue to smile (Diarist- circa 2009)

A few weeks ago I insinuated that I was going through something I couldn't talk about yet and honestly I couldn't. At this moment I still cannot really & fully talk about it.

Today I got up like I have done everyday for the last few weeks. I cleaned my room, washed clothes, cleaned the house & job hunted. It is a regular day. Yet about five weeks ago my day would have been filled talking with my cousins & sister.

What started out as a Saturday afternoon drive became an all out war. One of my cousins and a sister are also engaged so it has been a lot of craziness planning the weddings. With there being three brides within six months of each other there are also bridezillas. My fiance has been around when I have gotten hurt by others wanting me to marry more in the styles that they want. It came to a head when one bride was telling another bride that she was doing things wrong in the car.

My fiance butted in & told her that she was not perfect and her wedding day would not be perfect so everyone was entitled to their own wedding styles. This opened the floodgates for World War III in my family. Guess who got caught in the middle? Yup- I did.

My fiance apologized for his tone but my cousin did not accept it- neither did my sister. From here it became a them verses us for them. They told me that no matter who married into the family they didn't need to know what was happening in the family (which I thought was stupid), and that my husband and I were to be a family but I was to come and be with my family (them) alone. Because their fiances were nonexistent in the family mine should be also.

There seemed to be a problem with the fact that my fiance was not from the same background as all of us & their fiances were. I feel like the heart of the problem was that he wasn't one of 'us' to them- something I feel at times with his family. What hurts is that I expected so much more from them. My family made me feel like they thought I was still with him because I was a social climber. Which I am not- I just have standards that is not like theirs.

I think back to the list I had as an eighteen year old about the qualities I wanted in my future husband- the biggest one for me (outside of loving God) was that he became a part of my family and our pains. My William is like that- & I try to be there for him in the way he is for me (that is not always so easy). So what am I to do but to step back and away from the family members who want to put him in a box.

Which is what I did & got a lot of flack for- but I told them that I had to stand by my standards and dreams. My fiance was not like theirs- nor do I want him to be. My counselor reminded me that when I get married I would have to forsake all others & our families would become one. How could I expect it from him & not be willing to do it myself?

A lot believe I should stand by my family because blood is thicker than water- but I refuse to be dictated to by my family as it relates to my love life. I have been the black sheep for them before- I am accustomed to this. There was a period where I was on my own from my family for almost two years. They had issues with me then and I know that in my family they will continue to have issues. No matter who I marry my style/type of men seems like it will always be an issue. It is best I let them know from now that it is my life to live.

As I am leaving I want to leave you with one of my favorite scripture text: Psalm 42. Hope in God- not in the others! Pray for me as I go along this road...

The Diarist
[For every moment was meant to be taken in and reflected upon.]

Ring...

So all of you by now know that I am engaged. The one thing about me being SDA that I love is that I don't have to wear an engagement ring/ wedding band when I get married. But the hardest thing about living in this world is that everyone expects you to.

For many different reasons I just dont feel like I want or need a ring to prove to the world that he likes it/ loves me. lol. I remember when he proposed to me & I know that it was the perfect moment for me- there wasn't a dozen roses or him pulling out a ring. It was simple, it was sweet & it made me happy!

We were watching one of my favorite movies "Letter to Juliet" when he turned to me (with friends and family near by oblivious to us) and asked me to marry him. I was taken aback & my first response was "why?"

I asked him why because I already knew why I wanted to marry him but I wanted to make sure that his reasons were strong. He said to me : "Because I want to spend each day with you. I want to protect you at night when you have nightmares & I don't want to look back at this years from now with shoulda woulda coulda's."(I am sure he didn't say it exactly like this but this will have to do.)

It wasn't the most romantic proposal but I knew he meant it- he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I knew that he was serious about wanting to be my protector so I said yes! I said yes even though he wanted time to keep it to ourselves for a time. I was over the moon about it and allowed it to be this way. I knew that it would not be easy- & it hasn't been but I wouldn't take back my answer or his question for all the roses or rings in this world.

The ring is supposed to be a symbol of the commitment that a man & woman have for each other- but many times it is only just a ring. Just like how circumcision was an outward symbol of a relationship with God that after a while became nothing more than a painful religious act. If the ring of commitment isn't in our hearts like the circumcision wasn't in many hearts when Christ came to earth the marriage is for not. If a man's heart is not vested in the relationship the ring is nothing more than an expensive piece of jewelery. I don't want that- I want more than that. I have more than that- without the ring.

As I leave please keep Matthew 22:37 in your heart & spirit.

The Diarist
[For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon.]

Love

I am engaged! I have been engaged for approximately 5 months [I'll blog about the proposal another day.] With the engagement came lots of drama with family (our parents) & even friends. It has been a lot of hurt feelings & egos in this whole episode. In my mind an engagement was the time where we both got to seriously know each other and make a choice as to whether or not we should continue this journey or call it quits. Since we got engaged there have been more call it quits moments than ever. But it normally has not been about us and how we relate to each other- it was always our two warring families.

We went to counseling Friday night & one of our counselors made the joke that we were being tugged like Romeo & Juliet. He was right. Yesterday I found out that my dad refuses to come to the wedding because my fiance and I are of different faiths, different cultures & he doesn't like him. My mom is just like in her she wants me to marry someone who is of Haitian descent. To add drama to it all his parents think he's too young and that I (independent, anxiety prone, older child that I am) will need him to take care of me. Seriously?

Marriage is not something anyone should enter in lightly. Like our counselors reminded us- this would be the beginning of a whole new life- where we would have to forsake all others. I love him a lot- but honestly do I love him enough to forsake all others on both sides? All of the opinions, all of the issues, all of the persons with their own agendas? Sometimes I really feel like no I cannot deal with it.

Then I look at him & I realize that I love him even in the midst of all of this craziness. It's like how God still continually chooses to love us even after others warn Him against it. We do not deserve it- not with the backgrounds we came from. There is so much about us that God can walk away from- but then He remembers the love He has for us & the sacrifices He made to love us & He chooses us again.

Today I choose Him again! I choose to love God freely. I choose to love my fiance freely. At times I think honestly for us to marry & be happy without anxieties and issues we may have to elope or move away from everyone. But then again God never promised we'd have love or life easy.

Loving life, loving God, loving my family & friends, Loving my fiance with my all! Keep 1 John 4 in your heart & Spirit.

The Diarist
{For every moment was meant to be taking in & reflected upon.}