My Story, My Dreams, My Thanks!

Everyone has a story. In each story there are protagonists, and antagonists- and in every story are the background characters who would be the friends or alliances of the main characters. Friendships can make or break you. My story is filled with friends and acquaintances who have taught me so much about myself and who I am. I know that it is all because of God. 

And friends are friends forever

If the Lord's the Lord of them

And a friend will not say never

'Cause the welcome will not end

 

My story is one of a girl who is too logical to be a dreamer but in her deepest recesses she is one and dearly wants to be released. Through her friendships she is learning and has learned that dreams are real and they can and will come true. My friends have taught me so much. I look at our lives and realize we are growing in our destinies. I realize that my deepest fears were just that. You can fall in love, get married, get 'fat', and be your worst self- yet still have a man who loves even the smallest part of you. You can go through an all out war due to some serious misunderstandings where all sides disrespect each other and end up having a close relationship with in-laws that rival and at times surpass the ones you have with your family. (Sorry Mrs. T for hurting you. I do love you and look to you like a mom!)

My friends have inspired me to work at my dreams. I have a dream of someday writing and publishing my own novel. I'm working on that dream now. One of my dreams is to learn how to sew. My dream project is the picture of the yellow dress below but for now I am working on a simple yet elegant two piece for an upcoming wedding. My friend Olivia is teaching me how to sew. I am working hard at emptying myself of my dreams so I can start new ones.

To my friends, my family and my in-laws- I thank God for you. You inspire me to be more and do more. I know I can do it all because of you! Keep Ecclesiastes 4:12 in your hearts and spirits.

"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." [Ecclesiastes 4:12. NLT]

~The Diarist~

Every moment is meant to be taken in and reflected on.

Engaged!!!

One of my best friends announced the other day that she is engaged and I am so excited for her. I am happy for this new phase of her life. Being engaged is crazy but I wouldn't trade it for nothing. I love knowing that my man loves me enough that he wants to be committed to me (no matter how crazy, neurotic and peppy I am). Both our fiancés feel like we are good things. (Proverbs 18:22)
Don't get me wrong- being engaged is NO piece of cake. We have had to change our wedding date due to internal & external factors, one family is 'interesting' (to say the least) as it relates to our relationship, we are both currently unemployed & about to go back to school, but I know we will be married. I have faith in us- if I hadn't I wouldn't have said yes.
Engagement puts many thoughts in the minds of those in and around your life, no matter who you are there is excitement, fear, envy and even sadness at the thought forgetting that for everything there is a time for everything under the sun (Ecclesiastes 3:1). The planning of a wedding has been 'thought' to be the happiest moment of life for a woman- but it isn't always. For me I was happier @ times planning my birthday celebrations.
I have been helping my cousin with her wedding (designing invitations, programs and other items) and I have seen bridesmaids drop out (me being one of them), fights with future in-laws & with the future spouse. It is not for the faint hearted- I feel like honestly, getting eloped is quieter, cheaper & less nerve wrecking.
As a future bride I have had my say yes to the dress moment (trying on dream gowns with my aunts), I've budgeted to the 't' what I wanted but honestly the wedding isn't the biggest day of our lives. Working on us as a couple & individually in marriage will be much more important. I feel like if people spent as much time planning for the actually marriage (with counseling, research & prayer) as much as they did for the wedding day they would be less likely to spend an insane amount keeping up with the Jones' wedding day and not lasting five years.
Engagement isn't something that should be entered in lightly as marriage is one of the things Adam & Eve got to bring out of the Garden of Eden. Not everyone will get married & stay married (even as I may want them to.) So as my bestie celebrates & I celebrate with her I hope that you are encouraged and keep us in your prayers. Keep Ecclesiastes 3:11 & I Corinthians 13 in your heart & spirit!
The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Blue...

As he listened to the music of Senses Fail he was inspired to let the words below flow. Mr. William Dean is an amazing young man, a very sweet, talented & true gentleman. He loves God, music, swimming, drawing & being with the persons he loves playing games/talking. It is with great pleasure that my first guest author is none other than my fiance- Will!

Girl in Blue Dress...
By:
William Dean

I sit on this park bench watching.
watching her dance in her pale blue dress.
dancing barefoot to the song of her mind.
her cigarette leaving a thin smoke trail in air.
adding an ethereal effect to her performance.
it's three in he morning.
our respective cells vibrating nigh uncontrollably with calls from our folks.
i don't care.
the only thing that matters is your enticing dance.
the world could end right now, but
i wouldn't care.
Your dance is all that matters.

i at times wonder why you have such a need to dance.
i asked you why.
Why such a need to dance with the
cool and windy nights as your backdrop?
why dance until you collapse?
you looked at me and replied with tears slowly cascading down; "because it eases the pain of my heart.
it hurts so much and i don't why."
you then collapsed in my arms and cried yourself to sleep.

from that day on, i let you dance. dance to ease the mysterious pain. each dance never same except the ending.
each dance ends with a faint smile on your face.
it's now 4.
i see you finally gently collapse on the damp park grass.
i put out your fallen cigarette, knelt down, and then brushed the hair slowly from face to see your smile.
it brings joy to my heart.
this ritual that you have created that eases the pain of your heart.
i then pick you up bridal style to make a our trek home.
We shall be back here soon...


June 27th, 2011
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Falling...

An old man once said, “There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.”

~Repost if you agree.

Honestly...

So I'm writing this after watching an LMN movie that was very interesting to say the least. Tonight was a bad night for me. There were moments of absolute confusion and hurt with my fiance. It is on nights like these I wonder how persons who are married survive. Cause being engaged is no picnic.

Yet tonight was also a good night. I got to chat with an old friend until 2:30am about some stuff that had made me very depressed for so long. Honestly, I should be over it but I needed to vent without feeling like I was stupid to still have issues.

Over 2 years ago, a battle was waged on my mind and heart in earnest. The weapons used against me were the words of my friends. I spent many nights crying & worrying about the way my friends & others view me. To one of my friends I was manipulative, to another I was pushy & aggressive, to others I was plain selfish & always a victim. I just didn't know how to take it but as truth. Honestly, I felt like I was not fit to be a friend to anyone.

It was painful for me as I went through those months. At times also very lonely. I found that even though I was finally coming into my own as it related to my love life my friendships were falling apart. My friends had always meant the world to me. I really needed the to remain the same but God in His wisdom said no.

God pruned me so much until all the friends I had thought I had were almost gone. I never felt as alone as I did then. God and my writing were my only constants. Church turned into a chore because I was constantly reminded of what was before & what I now had before me.

For the beauty of a lily to be appreciated it has to bloom in dirty areas. In this period of ashes my beauty emerged. I had started to give myself meaning by who my friends were & who we would become together as a team. We had such high hopes & goals. To someday co-own a chain of small Bed & Breakfast's, invest together in our communities, travel the world as Best-selling authors, artists and professionals. But it seems that we were all too much alike.

After my friendships fizzled away, for a long time I hid from everyoneso that I could heal the hurt. I gave up on the idea of a circle of friends I could trust to keep me accountable. I did not want to deal with issues resulting in me being held accountable by my friends, but them not wanting to be held the same way by me. I had always dreamed of the closeness that I saw on the movies with women. But for me it could neverhappen. I was just too much drama- not enough friend.

The thoughts my friends had about me  started to play out in other areas of my life. I second guess everything I do now. My fiance gets annoyed cause I will ask him a trillion times if he is ok with whatever we agree on. I have a hard time asserting myself as I had done in the past. I am constantly hiding my light/knowledge for everyone around me.  I also find that I get angry or hurt so much more quickly when I am criticized. Mostly because I was tired of being told that to be who I was is annoying.

Praise God that through time my wounds have begun to heal. I have finally opened my life & heart to new friends. In this venture I find myself straddling the line of self reserve & timidity with periods of excitement & pure joy. I am a long way from being that skinny girl with smiles & an encouraging word. But by God's grace I will get there & actually someplace better someday.

Written: 6/12/2010- 4:00am