Stumbling

One day you sit down and realize that you have let go of the light of Faith and allowed the darkness of fear to rule your life. Instead of soaring like an eagle you are trapped in your nest afraid to fly even though where you are now isn't comfortable. How did you get from walking confidently towards your God ordained destiny and stumbling around in the dark?

Fear - False Evidence Appearing Real
Faith - the substance of things hope for, the evidence of things unseen (Hebrews 11:1)

When you live a life of fear everything that can go wrong does because it is all that you see. Faith filled living looks towards the good. When you speak good that is what you get.

I have been stumbling for what feels like years through life. My confidence in myself and my dreams had dwindled and snuffed out. The embodiment of spring that was my optimism was gone. I could no longer believe in the unseen. I believed in God but not really in His promises. I was still a Christian but a poor one at that.

It's hard living like this. It brings on a spirit of depression that only fully reaffirming your faith can heal. It took a long time after realizing what was happening to even believe truthfully in me again. I didn't realize that the God I believed in loved me enough to help me out of this mess.

2 Timothy 1:7 tells us that we are to live in love not fear. Living in love means living in faith. I am just truly coming to see how it works. It means not letting anyone or anything that is not of God to speak into your life. This can be truly hard as we live in a negative world.

Until next time keep 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 KJV

(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)  Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

The Diarist
For every moment was meant to be taken in and reflected upon...

Nights

For the next few weeks night shifts are happening for my PCT course and as time goes by I realize that I miss the time I would spend with my fiancé. It is a hard fight to sit up each night and head into my internship. Especially nights like tonight when we only spent 30 minutes together due to his classes.

Until life is better and I don't have to work as hard we will have to get use to it I guess. I'm going to stay positive so that I don't get discouraged.

Be blessed and keep II Timothy 1:7 in your heart & Spirit.

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.

Wish...

Saturday was my cousin's wedding & it was amazing! I am so happy that today I can say that she is Mrs. Yolna Louissaint. Her husband truly spoils her & shows her that he loves her. She deserves every happiness!

I thoroughly enjoyed the wedding & cannot wait for some nieces & nephews! To the newlyweds I wish a long & blessed life together! Keep Ephesians 5:21-33 in your heart & spirit.

The Diarist
For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

IMU

Day one of our time apart and I miss you! We will get through this absence stronger & wiser- more in love with each other than ever.

I love you & you love me- distance, seas, lands nor oceans can keep us apart... You my darling are my first love- you have my heart!

The Diarist
Every moment is meant to be taken in & reflected on.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from BTC.

Tow...

"I see you had your tow behind you on Monday."
"Isn't it a good thing you had put off getting married?"
"You spend too much time with her- you need to spend more time at home."
"You have only experienced chocolate cake so far, you need to try out other flavors & types before you settle down and get married."

These are all statements made by my 'future' in-laws. My fiance is going through some stuff right now- & in typical fashion his family had a lot to say about what he should do with his life & our relationship. Honestly, at times all I want is to run away to another country meet someone (hopefully an orphan), and start from scratch. I feel like the words and the mean voices of his family make me doubt who I am. If I listened to them I would be a gold-digging user who was out to trap him into marriage.

I dislike that he was told to try other flavors. That is redundant- if I go to an ice cream parlour and find that vanilla is my favorite flavor- why must I continue to try other flavors? Ten flavors from now I will still want vanilla- if I find what I want earlier than someone else why should I suffer & possibly miss out on what I really want?

I am not who they say I am. I am not gold-digging (if I was I would be so far from here married to the doctor who had wanted to marry me), I am not a user, I have never been anyone's 'tow'. At times when I think of the words they say about me I get depressed- other times very angry. I have never cheated on him, I don't cause any trouble, I don't sass/back talk, but I am sure if I had back talked they would leave me & my name alone.

Some days I wonder if it would get better after our wedding? Will they finally accept me? Or have their words shown me that they have yet to accept me? Is it all worth it? Will I have to deal with this for the rest of my life? What would these people say to my children (if I even have children into this madness)?

I also wonder if their words don't stem from the issue that they are (even though they would disagree) xenophobic & my Haitian culture is an insult to them/makes them uncomfortable? I wonder if they feel like I am only with William so that I can get 'acceptability' in this messed up country I live in. I don't care about being accepted by Bahamians (the true-true ones) anymore. All I want with my fiance is his love & support- which I receive already. We love being with each other & we are neither persons 'tow'/burden.

I just needed to vent today so I am rambling- I don't even know how to find a scripture text for all of this. But until next time be blessed & pray for me!

The Diarist

For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon...

Fit...

Just like a shoe, if someone is meant for you, they will fit perfectly; no forcing, no struggling, no pain...

Is this one a perfect fit?

Falling...

An old man once said, “There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.”

~Repost if you agree.

Highway...

It seems that in life most people have the idea that it is their way or the highway- when it isn't. It is ultimately about God's way. I am sitting here worrying (which then turns to fear) about my future and how I want it to play out in a manner that others will be proud of. I have to finish training at the right time, have the right job, marry at the right time with all the right blessings, have kids at the right time 3-5 years after getting married. But it is not about what others want- it is about what God wants.

I recently found out that a friend is expecting a child and I am so excited for her but I know that many around me would say that she is not being wise or using her twenties wisely. Why is she not I wonder? Why is it that to be seen as a modern woman I am told to buy into the lie that wanting kids before thirties is wrong? That I have to save the world before I can be a wife or mother? Like how is the life she is living hurting anyone? She has one of the greatest jobs in the world- being a mother to children that God blessed her with.

Today I went to my younger sister's graduation where a lot of the mothers were about my age or just a few years older which kinda threw me for a second. Like whilst I was babysitting my sister in high school they were having kids. It kinda made me wonder how old the mothers will be when I have kids. I am twenty-five and in under a month will be twenty-six with no kids on the horizon for a little while longer. I noticed that though there were young mothers the kids were excelling. Who is to say that their kids would not end up being proteges of some sort?

Who tells us what we are to do with our lives? Why do we feel like we should live up to what they have told us? At times the urge to have a child is really strong but I feel like the timing isn't right in God's eyes- no matter how much I may want it. Is it wrong to want one? No! For me what is wrong is when others dictate when it is right for me to have/not have one.

Me & my then 1 yr old god-daughter (she has helped me to quiet my yearnings)

I absolutely adore children and I have always known that someday I am to have my own. In the end it is just another ramble because I am tired of being TOLD when it will be okay. Only God knows when that day will be- and when it is okay to have kids no ones opinions will matter but me & my husband. So if it is today, tomorrow or ten years from now only God knows and can tell me what to do. So guess what- I will take that highway... Thank you but no thanks!

 

I just can't get why people could not love these sweeties... to each his own!

Keep Matthew 7: 13- 14 in your spirit as you remember that it is God's way or no way!
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” 

The Diarist
For each moment was meant to be taken in and reflected upon...

Ring...

So all of you by now know that I am engaged. The one thing about me being SDA that I love is that I don't have to wear an engagement ring/ wedding band when I get married. But the hardest thing about living in this world is that everyone expects you to.

For many different reasons I just dont feel like I want or need a ring to prove to the world that he likes it/ loves me. lol. I remember when he proposed to me & I know that it was the perfect moment for me- there wasn't a dozen roses or him pulling out a ring. It was simple, it was sweet & it made me happy!

We were watching one of my favorite movies "Letter to Juliet" when he turned to me (with friends and family near by oblivious to us) and asked me to marry him. I was taken aback & my first response was "why?"

I asked him why because I already knew why I wanted to marry him but I wanted to make sure that his reasons were strong. He said to me : "Because I want to spend each day with you. I want to protect you at night when you have nightmares & I don't want to look back at this years from now with shoulda woulda coulda's."(I am sure he didn't say it exactly like this but this will have to do.)

It wasn't the most romantic proposal but I knew he meant it- he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I knew that he was serious about wanting to be my protector so I said yes! I said yes even though he wanted time to keep it to ourselves for a time. I was over the moon about it and allowed it to be this way. I knew that it would not be easy- & it hasn't been but I wouldn't take back my answer or his question for all the roses or rings in this world.

The ring is supposed to be a symbol of the commitment that a man & woman have for each other- but many times it is only just a ring. Just like how circumcision was an outward symbol of a relationship with God that after a while became nothing more than a painful religious act. If the ring of commitment isn't in our hearts like the circumcision wasn't in many hearts when Christ came to earth the marriage is for not. If a man's heart is not vested in the relationship the ring is nothing more than an expensive piece of jewelery. I don't want that- I want more than that. I have more than that- without the ring.

As I leave please keep Matthew 22:37 in your heart & spirit.

The Diarist
[For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon.]

Watchers...

I hinted in my last post that I would talk about my Weight Watchers initiative. I really get depressed at times at how 'fat' I've gotten. I am no longer that bobblehead whose only issue was finding her length. Now I cannot even fit into my fat jeans I knew it was time to take measures.

 Pic of me now- too many pounds overweight.

Even at my biggest in my past years I never felt this way about my body- where I actually hate it on many days. For a long time the only thing I found beautiful about me was my figure & my eyes. Now I wear glasses due to astigmatism & comfortableness has made me fat.

 Glasses & weight are my newest contentions

My first week on Weight Watchers I lost 2 pounds which was hard cause I had to relearn from scratch things I had just stopped practicing. Watching what I ate, making time for physical activity & in general doing more to be better & feel better. The thing is with watching I noticed that I had watchers of my weight.

A much skinnier Diarist- 2008

A lot of people struggle with weight- I have for the past decade or so of my life. During this time I have had so many persons who watch my weight & the other things that change around me. Making me extra sensitive & self-conscious. What made this all harder is that everyone seems to have some advice on how/why I put on all the weight. What I really needed was support and advice on how to lose it. lol.

In my weight gain this time I learned that people are really critical of former skinny people when they put on any weight. I also learned that there were other aspects of me that was pretty/ wow worthy. The biggest thing for me was realizing that through it all I still have joy & God has in many ways humbled me. Keep Philippians 4:5-10 in your heart & spirit. But most importantly I leave you with the portion of this scripture that has become my mantra:

Philippians 4:8 (King James Version)

 ⁸Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

The Diarist
{For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon...}

Me.... updates

So it has been about 3 months since I cut my hair & today I was complimented at work at how it was growing. Also how beautiful it looked. Today I tried a twist out in my hair but it didn't fully work. Still cute though.





A month ago I went & got my hair sewn in & braided at the front- I had it in for Christmas, New Year's & my friends Bahamas vacation- it has been through a lot & I finally took it out to give my hair some breathing time.

My hair journey so far has been fun & exciting- so much things to learn & do. I have a new hair example or person to look up to- my cousin who has been growing her hair for the last 4 years- a true black girl long hair story. She has been growing it from 2007, her hair secret is castor oil, and she is also very fond of braids & plaits.

That will be all  for now... Next time I talk about my Weight Watchers. :)

Honestly...

So I'm writing this after watching an LMN movie that was very interesting to say the least. Tonight was a bad night for me. There were moments of absolute confusion and hurt with my fiance. It is on nights like these I wonder how persons who are married survive. Cause being engaged is no picnic.

Yet tonight was also a good night. I got to chat with an old friend until 2:30am about some stuff that had made me very depressed for so long. Honestly, I should be over it but I needed to vent without feeling like I was stupid to still have issues.

Over 2 years ago, a battle was waged on my mind and heart in earnest. The weapons used against me were the words of my friends. I spent many nights crying & worrying about the way my friends & others view me. To one of my friends I was manipulative, to another I was pushy & aggressive, to others I was plain selfish & always a victim. I just didn't know how to take it but as truth. Honestly, I felt like I was not fit to be a friend to anyone.

It was painful for me as I went through those months. At times also very lonely. I found that even though I was finally coming into my own as it related to my love life my friendships were falling apart. My friends had always meant the world to me. I really needed the to remain the same but God in His wisdom said no.

God pruned me so much until all the friends I had thought I had were almost gone. I never felt as alone as I did then. God and my writing were my only constants. Church turned into a chore because I was constantly reminded of what was before & what I now had before me.

For the beauty of a lily to be appreciated it has to bloom in dirty areas. In this period of ashes my beauty emerged. I had started to give myself meaning by who my friends were & who we would become together as a team. We had such high hopes & goals. To someday co-own a chain of small Bed & Breakfast's, invest together in our communities, travel the world as Best-selling authors, artists and professionals. But it seems that we were all too much alike.

After my friendships fizzled away, for a long time I hid from everyoneso that I could heal the hurt. I gave up on the idea of a circle of friends I could trust to keep me accountable. I did not want to deal with issues resulting in me being held accountable by my friends, but them not wanting to be held the same way by me. I had always dreamed of the closeness that I saw on the movies with women. But for me it could neverhappen. I was just too much drama- not enough friend.

The thoughts my friends had about me  started to play out in other areas of my life. I second guess everything I do now. My fiance gets annoyed cause I will ask him a trillion times if he is ok with whatever we agree on. I have a hard time asserting myself as I had done in the past. I am constantly hiding my light/knowledge for everyone around me.  I also find that I get angry or hurt so much more quickly when I am criticized. Mostly because I was tired of being told that to be who I was is annoying.

Praise God that through time my wounds have begun to heal. I have finally opened my life & heart to new friends. In this venture I find myself straddling the line of self reserve & timidity with periods of excitement & pure joy. I am a long way from being that skinny girl with smiles & an encouraging word. But by God's grace I will get there & actually someplace better someday.

Written: 6/12/2010- 4:00am

Hair

So it has been almost 3 weeks since I did the big chop. The week after I got it I was able to get some Bob Marley Braids placed into my hair by my sister. She is really good at catching even the shortest of hair- like my TWA (Teenie weenie Afro) and getting them into the sexiest of styles.


I love the way it looks- but my hair has been growing like a weed. Tonight I plan to wash & condition my hair in the braids. Then after this I will blow dry it & set the braids with my perm-rods so I can do something other than a bun for work.

Reactions to the big chop were varied & funny but the one I think is funniest was my fiance William's. He was in awe of how I looked (to say the least.)

But then after he got use to how I looked he loved the texture. It is incredibly soft. I am so excited about my hair & this journey. I have yet to find my own regimen for my hair but I have been reading up on it & I know that my hair will be ok.

Until next time keep Romans 5:8 and II Timothy 1:5&6 in your heart & Spirit! God made you special & He loves you very much!

The Diarist.
[For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon]

  

The cutest Planning Coordinator in the Bahamas!

Beholder

Beauty is something that a lot of persons search for within their selves, their mate, their children & the things around them. Beauty in mainstream media is something that is constantly changing- I remember growing up seeing & hearing about the "in-ness" of the waif thin model. I grew up in an era where women were constantly being told to buy new products to make them appear beautiful without much effort. A lot of the things I grew up hearing & seeing dealt with the outside never truly the inside.

The women around me I watched grow steadily more skinnier, more dolled up, more eerily perfect while I was always on the outside. When I tried to compare myself to others I always fell short. To make matters worse I grew up in a country where being of Haitian parentage made you ugly in the eyes of your peers. The things I found to be beautiful always seemed to come across as ugly.

For years I had a difficulty accepting my uniqueness, my individuality or my beauty. I could not fully understand that beauty was in the eye of the beholder. What to others was trash- God had created a treasure. One that was hidden in an earthen vessel not for me or my beautification/ edification. But for God & God alone. (But we have this treasure in clay jars to show that its extraordinary power comes from God and not from us. 2 Corinthians 4:7)

Beauty to many is the outside things, a smile, skin color, hair, the facial features- but for me daily it has become about the inside. For me to be beautiful I have to start from the outside & work my way out. It is hard to not allow myself to be swayed by the thoughts of others on how I should look, act, speak, walk, or dress. But I know that the outside is fleeting- it will come & go- but what I do for God is lasting.

I have now accepted the beauty I have in being nerdy with my glasses, the beauty I have with no make-up, the way I look in a t-shirt & jeans. To you who maybe viewing this blog beauty may not mean the seem things that it does for me. But I hope that you are happy in your definition & that it truly is yours & not the definition of someone else that you are wearing.

Keep Ecclesiastes 3:11 in your heart & Spirit.

The Diarist
{For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon.}

Flowers

One of my favorite flower is the rose. I have always found varying ways/reasons to compare myself to the rose. But as I started to work at a Destination Management Company in Nassau- I learned about varying types of roses and flowers to fall in love with.

Flowers come in so many varieties: vibrant colors, muted colors, with some being short, others are tall & willowy. I love the fact that flowers are so unique even withing the same classification. Looking at flowers I look at people in general. God truly is a creative God. No matter what- there will never be another you. There will never be another me.

Yet in today's society & church we have seriously tried to create carbon copies of each other- when it is in our diversities that there is strength. I cannot be like my sisters, my friends, cousins nor my co=workers. I can only be myself. Natasha. There will never be another Natasha like me. Yet society will try to tell me that who I am is not enough. But who I am is. I can only live my life for me. My flower may be brighter, taller or thornier than others, but God loves it.

I have seriously been trying to find what my brand or uniqueness is within this past year. In this time I have started shopping for items that are seriously unique to me & my tastes. If it moves me I wear it- if not I'll forget it. I've also been seeking to renew & re-create my insides. I have been letting God be the gardener. He has seriously been renovating my heart.

As I leave, I want you to keep in your hear & mind Matthew 6:28-30. Consider the lilies- know that God loves & cares for you better than any flower!

Love ya!

The Diarist
{For Every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon.}

Love

I am engaged! I have been engaged for approximately 5 months [I'll blog about the proposal another day.] With the engagement came lots of drama with family (our parents) & even friends. It has been a lot of hurt feelings & egos in this whole episode. In my mind an engagement was the time where we both got to seriously know each other and make a choice as to whether or not we should continue this journey or call it quits. Since we got engaged there have been more call it quits moments than ever. But it normally has not been about us and how we relate to each other- it was always our two warring families.

We went to counseling Friday night & one of our counselors made the joke that we were being tugged like Romeo & Juliet. He was right. Yesterday I found out that my dad refuses to come to the wedding because my fiance and I are of different faiths, different cultures & he doesn't like him. My mom is just like in her she wants me to marry someone who is of Haitian descent. To add drama to it all his parents think he's too young and that I (independent, anxiety prone, older child that I am) will need him to take care of me. Seriously?

Marriage is not something anyone should enter in lightly. Like our counselors reminded us- this would be the beginning of a whole new life- where we would have to forsake all others. I love him a lot- but honestly do I love him enough to forsake all others on both sides? All of the opinions, all of the issues, all of the persons with their own agendas? Sometimes I really feel like no I cannot deal with it.

Then I look at him & I realize that I love him even in the midst of all of this craziness. It's like how God still continually chooses to love us even after others warn Him against it. We do not deserve it- not with the backgrounds we came from. There is so much about us that God can walk away from- but then He remembers the love He has for us & the sacrifices He made to love us & He chooses us again.

Today I choose Him again! I choose to love God freely. I choose to love my fiance freely. At times I think honestly for us to marry & be happy without anxieties and issues we may have to elope or move away from everyone. But then again God never promised we'd have love or life easy.

Loving life, loving God, loving my family & friends, Loving my fiance with my all! Keep 1 John 4 in your heart & Spirit.

The Diarist
{For every moment was meant to be taking in & reflected upon.}

Renewal

In about a week I will be renewing my walk with Christ through re-baptism. I am a Seventh-Day Adventist Christian which basically means that we do not believe in once saved always saved.

In the Bible days persons would have their feet washed when they got into a house after a journey because of the dust and dirt the accumulated. This is what communion was for me. Normally when I have stumbled along the way I would use communion as a way to renew myself. But when you get dirty- like dirt caked all over your body & clothes dirty- you have to be re-baptized. This time I fell straight into the muck & mire and the only way I can be clean again is to bathe.

Renewal for me is a time to seriously start afresh with my Daddy. I am also looking forward to some seriously fresh things happening in my life. Daddy also knows there are some things I am praying that He will allow to happen for me. So pray for me as I get re-baptized, as I begin a new hair journey and also as I in the next year begin a new life.

The Diarist
For every moment was meant to be taken in & reflected upon...

P.S. This blog will be getting a lot more traffic from me :)

Beauty

So I am here today thinking about the beauty that is in my life. At this moment I am so excited and happy about life. I remember that for a long time I could barely say that I was this way. I am also loved by a very wonderful man of God. I hope that I can blog on this site more often.

The Diarist